Bands I've Seen Live

Self explanatory List

Festivals
Beyond the Gates 2016
Breakout Festival 2007
Brutal Assault 2012
De Mortem Et Diabolum 2015
Desertfest 2013
Damnation Festival 2012, 2014, 2015
Future Music Festival 2010
*Shit load of random DJs ^
Heidenfest 2011, 2015
Hole In The Sky: The Last Supper 2011
INCINERATION FEST 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017
♥ Inferno Metal Festival ♥ 2009, 2010, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015
Live n Local 2006
North of the Wall 2016, 2017
Prague Death Mass III 2016
♥ PROPHECY FEST 2015, 2016, 2017
PushOver 2008, 2009
Redemption Fest 2013
ROADBURN FESTIVAL 2015
Soundwave 2008
Taste of Chaos 2006, 2007

Bands
120 Days 2011
1349 2012, 2014, 2015, 2017
20:11 2016
40 Watt Sun 2015

A Forest of Stars 2014, 2015
Abbath x2 2016
Abgott 2012, 2013, 2014
Abhorrent Decimation 2016
Absu 2012, 2016
Acherontas 2015
Aesthetic Perfection 2010, x2 2011, 2013
Aeternum 2012, x4 2013
Aeternus 2013
After The Fall 2006
Agalloch 2012, 2015
Ageless Oblivion 2014, 2015
Ahab 2014, 2015
Aiden 2007
Albez Duz 2015
Alcest x2 2012, 2014
Alestorm 2011
Alexandre Desplat with
the London Symphony Orchestra 2014
ALIEN VAMPIRES  2012
Aloeswood 2016
Altar Of Plagues 2013, 2015
Amenra 2015
Amon Amarth 2009, 2011, 2012, 2015
Amoral 2012
Amulet 2012, 2013, 2014
Anaal Nathrakh x2 2012, 2013, x2 2014, 2015
Anathema 2015
Ancient Ascendant 2012, x2 2013
Ancient Vvisdom 2012
Angelspit 2011
Antediluvian 2015
Anti-Flag 2006
Annunciation x2 2014, x2 2015, 2016
Anoxide x2 2014, x2 2015
 Arcanorum Astrum  2013
Arch Ememy 2009
Archgoat 2011, 2015, 2016
Arcturus x2 2012, 2013, 2015
Arkona 2012
As I Lay Dying 2008, 2011
Ascension 2015
Ashenspire 2016
Asphyx 2017
At The Gates 2012
Ataud 2015
Attic 2015
Aura Noir 2015
Autopsy 2012
Ayria 2010

Barshasketh 2014, 2016
Bast x2  2014
The Battalion 2009
Battle Beast 2014
Batushka 2016
Be’lakor 2008, 2009, 2012
!!! BEHEMOTH !!! x4 2014, 2015, x2 2016
BEHEXEM 2013
Behind Crimson Eyes 2006 2008
Belphegor 2010, 2014
Benediction 2010, 2014
Benighted 2016
Bethlehem 2012
Binah 2014
The Black Dahlia Murder 2013, 2016
Black Moth 2016
Black Sabbath 2014
Black Witchery 2011, 2014
Blasphemy 2014
Blaze of Perdition 2015
The Bled 2007
Bleeding Through 2008
Bloodbath 2015
Bloodshot Dawn  2012
Bloodthirst 2015
Bodyjar 2007
Bolt Thrower 2014
Bölzer 2014, 2015
Bongripper 2015
Borknagar 2012
Botanist 2015
British India x2 2008
Burial 2014. 2015
The Butterfly Effect 2007
Byfrost 2011

Carach Angren 2013
Carcass 2014
Carpathia  2013
Carpathian 2007 - 2008 Countless times
Carpathian Forest 2009, 2013
Carpe Noctem 2014
Cauldron 2012
Celeste 2015
Centurian 2015
Chris Cornell 2007
Christ Agony x2 2015
Chthonic 2013
Church Of Misery 2014
Coffins 2015
Cold In Berlin  2012
Coldwar 2014
Coltsblood 2013, 2015, 2016
Combichrist 2010, 2011, 2012
THE COMMITTEE 2015
Confessions x2 2009
Cor Scorpii 2013
Corpessed 2015
Cnoc An Tursa 2013
Cradle of Filth 2014
Craven Idol 2014, 2015, 2017
Crom Dubh 2014, 2016
Crone 2015
Crowbar 2012
Crown 2015
Cruciamentum 2014, 2015
Cult of Fire 2015, 2016, 2017
2012, 2015

 Dark Fortress 2012, 2014
Dark Funeral 2013, 2016
Darkher x2 2015, 2016
<3 2016="" br="" darvaza=""> David Guetta 2010
The Day of Locusts 2014
Daysend 2010
 De Profundis  2012, 2013, x2 2014, x3 2015
Dead Beyond Buried  2012
Dead Congregation 2014, 2015
Death Of Art 2010 x2
Deathhammer 2014
Deathstars 2009, 2010
Decapitated 2012, x2 2014
Decrepid x2 2015
Deicide 2013
Demonic Resurrection 2010, 2014
Der Weg Einer Freiheit 2015, 2016
Destroyer 666 x2 2010, 2012, 2013, 2015, 2016
Dew-Scented 2009
Devil 2011
Diabolical 2014
Dimmu Borgir 2011, 2012, 2014
Disinterred 2014
Disentomb 2016
Dødheimsgard 2015
DØDSENGEL x2 2015
Domitorem 2017
Donn the Philosophy 2011
Dope 2009
Dordeduh 2012
Dozer 2014
Drop Dead Gorgeous 2007
Drowned x2 2015
Dunderbeist 2012
Dygora 2016
Dying Fetus 2012
Dysangelium 2015
Dyse 2013

Eastern Front 2013, 2015
Earth Melbourne Band 2009
Einherjer 2012
Electric Wizard 2012
Eliminator 2013
Elm Street 2012
Empyrium 2015
Emptiness 2015
 Enabler  2013
End Of Fashion 2006
Engel 2012
Ensiferum 2012
ENSLAVED 2011, 2013, x4 2015, x3 2016
Entombed A.D. 2016
Equilibrium 2014
Esoteric 2013, 2015
Essenz 2015
Ethereal 2012, x2 2014
Evermore 2006
Extreme Noise Terror 2012
Eyehategod 2010
Eye of Solitude x2 2014, x2 2015

 Faderhead  2010
Falloch 2013, 2014, 2016
The Fauns 2014
Fen x3 2013, 2014, 2016
Fields of the Nephilim 2015
Fides Inversa 2015
FINNTROLL  2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, x2 2014, 2015
Fleshgod Apocalypse 2014
Formalin 2010
Formicarius 2017
♥ FȯRN 2017
Forsaken World 2012, 2015
Fortid 2010
Franz Ferdinand 2010
From The Bogs Of Aughiska 2013, 2014
Funeral Throne 2014, x2 2015
FURIA ♥ 2015
The Furious Horde 2012
Fvnerals 2014

Gallows 2007
Gehenna 2014, 2015
The Getaway Plan x2 2008
Ghost 2011, 2013
Goatwhore 2015
Goblin / Claudio Simonetti's Goblin 2015
GOD MODULE 2009
 God Seed 2015
Godflesh 2011
Gojira  x2 2012, 2013
Henryk Górecki Performed by the BBC Concert Orchestra & Jessica Rivera 2014
Gorgoroth  2014, 2015
Gorguts 2012
Gospel of the Horns x2 2012
Grand Magus 2011, 2013, x2 2014, 2015
Grave Miasma x2 2014, x2 2015
The Great Old Ones 2016
Grinspoon 2007
Gyroscope 2007 2008

Hades Almighty 2013
Hang the Bastard 2014
Hanzel Und Gretyl 2009
Harakiri For The Sky 2015, 2016
Hate 2013, 2014, 2015
Hatesphere 2013, 2014
Hecate Enthroned 2013, 2015, 2016
Helheim 2009, 2011, 2013, 2016
Hell  2012
Heretics  2012
HETROERTZEN 2015
HEXVESSEL 2014, 2015
Hobbs' Angel of Death 2012
Hocico 2010
Hordes 2014
Horna 2015
Horrified 2015
The Hot Lies 2006
Hugh Cornwell 2015
Hydra 2016
HYPOCRISY x2 2013
Hypothermia 2015

Ihsahn 2010, 2015
I Killed The Prom Queen 2009
I Nation 2011
Immolation x2 2012
Immortal 2011, 2012
Impetuous Ritual 2015
In Fiction 2007 2008
In Solitude 2011, 2014
In The Woods 2016
In Vain x2 2013
The Infernal Sea x2 2014, 2016
INK  [Sydney band] 2009
Inquisition x2 2014, 2015, 2016
Insomium x2 2012
Irkallian Oracle 2014, 2016
Iskald 2014
! IZAH 2015

 Jayce Lewis 2012
Job For A Cowboy 2012
 Junius 2012

Kall 2015
Kalmen 2015
KAMPFAR 2009, 2012, x2 2014, 2x 2015
Katatonia 2012
Keep Of Kalessin 2009, 2013, 2015
KiEw 2010
Killswitch Engage 2008
King Dude 2015
The King Is Blind x2 2015
Kisschasy 06-08 countless times
 Klone  2012
Koldbrann 2009
Kommand+Kontrol x2 2011, 2013
Korpiklaani 2014, 2015
THE KOVENANT 2010
Krakow 2012, 2013, x2 2015
Krawwl 2014, 2017
Kringa 2015
Krisiun 2012
Kvelertak 2010
Kylesa 2012

L Sol Tace  x2 2012
 Lake of Tears  2012
Larva 2011
 Leprous 2012, 2013
Lesbian 2012
! LIFELOVER x2! 2015
Linkin Park 2007
Little Birdy 2007
The Living End [as The Longnecks] 2008
Loch Vostok  2012
Lord Vicar 2016
Lowrider 2013, 2014
Luna Mantra 2016
Lychgate x2 2015

Marche Funèbre 2014, 2015
The Machine 2013
Machine Head 2012
Madder Morten 2010
Madwork 2013
Mael Mórdha x2 2013
Malefice 2012
Maleficent 2013
Malrun 2012
Malthusian 2014, x2 2015
Marduk 2010, 2011, 2012
Marilyn Manson 2009
 Martyrdöd  2013
Mastiphal 2015
Mayhem 2010, 2011
MDCLXVI 2015
Mechanical Cabaret 2010
Melechesh 2015
Mencea 2009
 Method Cell  2010
MGŁA x2 2014, x2 2015, 2016
Mindless Self Indulgence 2012
 Ministry 2012
Misþyrming x2 2015, x2 2016
MISTUR 2010
MM9 2009
Modulate 2010/2011...it was NYE but not sure if it was before or after 12 lol
Mondo Generator 2013
 Mondvolland 2012
Mongo Ninja 2010
The Monolith Deathcult 2014
Monument 2012
Moonspell x2 2012, 2013
Morbid Angel 2014
Mord'A'Stigmata 2015
Morgoth 2012
Mørktår x3 2013, x2 2014
Mortuary Drape 2011, 2015
Motörhead 2014
Mourning Beloveth 2016
Mourning Dawn 2016
Mugstar 2015
My Dying Bride 2012
Mystifier x2 2014

Nachtmahr 2011
Nargaroth 2014, 2016
Narvik 2015
Necro Deathmort  2012, 2014
NECROS CHRISTOS x2 2014, 2015, 2016
Necro Ritual 2014, 2015
Necrosadistic Goat Torture 2014
Negative Plane 2011, 2015
Negură Bunget 2009
Nekromantheon 2012
Neosis x2 2013
!♥ NHOR ♥ ! 2017
NIGHTBRINGER !! 2015
Nifelheim 2011
Nile 2012
Ninkharsag 2015
Noctem 2014
Nothgard 2014

Ørkenkjøtt 2012
Obe 2014
Obliteration 2015
Omnium Gatherum 2015
Ondskapt 2015
One Tail, One Head 2011, 2012, 2014, x2 2015
Opeth 2010, 2011
Oranssi Pazuzu x2 2014, 2015
Orkan 2015
The Osiris Club 2015
OZZY OSBOURNE 2008

Pagan Altar x2 2013
 ♥ PAIN ♥ x2 2012, x2 2013
Pain Of Salvation
Panic! At The Disco 2006
Pantheist 2013, 2016
Paradise Lost  2009, x2 2012
Parkway Drive 2006 - 2009 countless time
 Persefone  2012
Pestilence 2009
Pet Slimmers of the Year 2014
PHOSGORE 2010, 2011!! 2012, 2013
Phyrexia 2013
Portal 2015
Possessed 2014
POSTHUM x2 2014
Praesepe  2013, x2 2014, x2 2015, 2016, 2017
Premature Birth x2 2013, x3 2014, x2 2015, 2016
Primitive Graven Image 2013, x2 2014
\m/ PRIMORDIAL \m/ 2011, x2 2012, 2013, x3 2015, x3 2016, 2017
The Prodigy 2010, 2015
PROFANE OMEN 2012, 2014

Qrixkuor 2014, x2 2015
The Quatres 2007

Raunchy 2010
Ravencult 2015
Razorrape 2015
Regurgitate Life 2012
Reign Of Perdition 2013
Repulsive 2016, 2017
 Ribozyme 2012
RISE AGAINST 2007
Rong 2013, 2014
The Rotted 2013
 Rotten Sound  2013
ROTTING CHRIST 2013, 2014
The Ruins Of Beverast 2015

the safety fire 2012
Sahg 2009
Saint Vitus 2011, 2013
SAMAEL 2009, 2012, 2015, 2017
Sammal 2015
Saor 2016
Saosin 2006
Sargeist 2015
Sarke 2009
Sathamel 2015, 2017
Saturnian x2 2012
Saturnalia Temple 2015, 2017
Saturnus 2015
SATYRICON 2009, 2011!!, x2 2013, 2015
Schammasch 2014
 Scutum Crux 2013, 2016
Scythian 2016
 Secrets of the Moon 2012, 2014, 2015
Senses Fail 2006
Septic Flesh 2009, 2011, 2015
SERJ TANKIAN 2012!!
Seprevation 2015
SERPENTS LAIR 2015
Sevendust 2008
Shadows Fall 2008
 She Wants Revenge  2012
Sheol 2014, 2015
Shibalba 2016
Shihad 2008
Shining [N] 2010
Shining [SWE] 2013, 2015, 2016
Sidious 2014
Sigh 2014
Sinmara 2015, 2016
Sirus 2009 2010
Skálmöld 2011
Skeletonwitch 2015
Skyforger 2015
Slagmaur 2015
Slidhr 2016
Sodb 2013
 Sodom x2 2012
Sodomized Cadaver x2 2015
Soil 2009
Solar Fake 2011
Solefald x2 2013
Sólstafir 2012, x2 2013, 2014, x4 2015, 2016, x2 2017
Solstice 2015
Something With Numbers 2006
Soundgarden 2014
Spearhead 2014
Statik Sky 2011
Steak 2013, 2014
Still Remains 2008
Story of the year 2008
Structural Disorder 2013
Stubb 2013
Suffocation 2009, 2013
Suicidal Angels 2012
Sungrazer 2013
SUNN O))) 2015, x2 2017
Surgyn 2012
Svartidauði 2014,x2 2015, 2016
Svarttjern 2010, 2012, 2014
SWALLOW THE SUN 2009, x2 2012, 2013, 2016
SYBREED x2 2010
Synthetic Breed 2007 2009

! TAAKE ! 2010, 2011, 2013, 2014, x2 2015, 2016, 2017
Taking Back Sunday 2006
Tankus the Henge 2014
Tehni  2015
 Ten Cent Toy 2013
Terra 2016
The 3rd Attempt 2015
THOU 2015
Threat Signal 2010
 Throne of Katarsis  2012
Thursday 2006
Thyrgrim 2014
Tortorum 2015
Towers of Flesh 2015
Trepalium 2012
Trifixion 2013
 Triptykon  2012.
Troll 2009
TrollfesT 2011, 2012, 2014
Trolls In The Mist 2016
Tsjuder 2012, 2015
Turbowolf 2013
Turisas 2011
Týr 2014

Uberbyte 2011
Ufomammut 2013
Underoath 2006
Undersmile 2015
Unfathomable Ruination x3 2014, 2016
Unleashed 2015
Urfaust 2015, x2 2016
The Used 2007

Vader 2015
Valient Thorr 2013, 2014
Varathron 2015
Varg 2015
Vassafor 2015
Vehement  x2 2013
Velnias 2014
!! Vemod ! 2015, 2016
Verdelet x3 2013, 2014, 2015, 2017
The Veronicas 2006
Victorian Whore Dogs 2014
Virophage 2014, 2015
Virus  Norway band 2011, x2 2012
Visceral Disgorge 2016
Vital Remains 2014, 2015
VIZA 2012
VNV Nation 2011
Voices 2012, 2013, 2014, x3 2015
Voluspaa  2012
Vomitor 2010
Vondage 2011
Vredehammer 2015
VREID 2009, x3 2012, 2013, 2015
Vreid / Windir / Ulcus 2014
 Vulture Industries  2012, x2 2013, 2015, 2016
VxPxOxAxAxWxAxMxC / Vaginal Penetration of an Amelus With a Musty Carrot 2013

 ♥ !!! WARDRUNA !!! ♥ 2010, 2015, x4 2016, 2017
 Wardruna / Enslaved performing SKUGGSJÁ 2015, 2016
EINAR SELVIK [Solo] 3 x 2016
Watain 2013, 2014
Wiegedood 2015, 2017
 Winds of Plague  2009
Winnebago Deal 2014
Winterfylleth x3 2012, x3 2013, 2x 2014, x3 2015, 2016
 Winters 2012
Winterstorm 2015
Witchsorrow 2015
Woland 2014
Wolves In The Throne Room 2010, 2011, 2017
Wodensthrone 2012, x2 2013, 2014
Wolvserpent 2011
The Wounded Kings 2016 
Wovenhand 2015
Wretched Soul 2012

[x]-Rx 2011
Xelas 2015, 2016
 Xerath  2012
 XP8 2012

Zhrine 2017
Zoltan 2015
Zom 2013, x2 2014, 2015
Zombi 2015

...616=13...

A World of Music

Basically one of my life goals is to go to a gig in every country in Europe!
[and hopefully most of Asia]
Music and Travelling are two of my biggest passions! and they go well together!
The thrill of experiencing the bands I love in crowds and places unknown to me before!

This is basically a list of all the countries and cities I've been to gigs at, slowly slowly adding more each year! =)

** = Places I've lived / Currently living

AUSTRALIA
- Melbourne** 1991 - 2010

ENGLAND
- Brighton 2015, 2017
- Bristol 2010
- Colchester 2015
- Leeds 2012, 2014, 2015
- London** 2010 -
- Manchester 2014, 2017, x2 2018
- Plymouth 2015, 2018
- Wolverhampton 2012

IRELAND
- Dublin 2013, 2014, 2016, 2017

SCOTLAND
- Glasgow 2016, 2017, 2018

WALES
- Cardiff 2013

NORWAY
- Bergen 2011, 2016, 2017
- Oslo 2009, 2010, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, x2 2018
- Oslofjord 2014

SWEDEN
- Gothenburg 2014, 2016
- Stockholm 2013, 2016

POLAND
- Gdansk 2015
- Wroclaw 2017
- Bydgoszcz 2017

SWITZERLAND
- Luzern 2016
- Zurich 2018

GERMANY
- Balve 2015, 2016, 2017
- Berlin 2013, 2015, 2018
- Bochum 2016
- Cologne 2015
- Munich 2012, 2016

FRANCE
- Paris 2015, 2017, 2018
- Nantes 2018

CZECH REPUBLIC
- Josefov 2012
- Prague 2012, 2016

AUSTRIA
- Vienna 2015

LATVIA
- Riga 2013

BELGIUM
- Brussels 2015

THE NETHERLANDS / HOLLAND
- Tilburg 2015

SPAIN
- Barcelona 2019

PORTUGAL
- Porto 2018



PLACES VISITED WITHOUT GIGS
Italy
- Venice 2017
- Turin 2018
Greece
- Antiparos 2018
- Athens 2018
Norway
- Flåm 2018
England
- Cambridge 2018
- Oxford 2018
- Weymouth 2019
Germany
- Essen 2018
- Frankfurt 2018
Cyprus
- Limassol 2007/8
- Paphos 2007/8

Good-Bye 2014...

I keep fighting with myself about writing a big 'year in review' but ultimately I've decided I had too.

Storms at least look beautiful

I had such a positive outlook starting 2014... and then my little world went to hell.

I let my depression get the better of me this year, for the first time I actually felt like I could not cope with it... I was feared into an almost paralysis... which didn't help me fix the dire living / work situation I was in. - Granted It did stop me killing myself because I had no energy to embark on such an act.

It's only been in the last month that I've felt somewhat more in control of myself, of my mind. I am slowly crawling back out of the abyss... I don't honestly believe I'll ever leave it, but I want to at least be back on a ledge where I can glimpse the sun.

My brother in headbanging

I will say, I honestly don't think I would have made it though this year without some truly understanding and supportive friends. Daryl, Thomas, Leon, Roo & Cristina... I thank you.
They didn't harass me when I said I could not go out, that I literally could not get myself out of bed.
They were always there to listen to me when I felt I needed to rant, to scream, to cry - even if I would only be able to 'bitch & moan' about petty issues.
When I was with them they always conveyed such positivity and energy that I was able to greedily feed upon.

So many times I've wanted to fly away

Photography has also been a huge help this year. I have always loved it, but starting to understand it more and having a friend who love it just as much as really been good. Photography calms me, it makes me forget the reality I am in and enables me to capture a new reality around me.






And of course music... There has luckily been such an overwhelming amount of amazing music I have discovered this year, and still so many I havn't had time to listen too.

I shall only list a few albums that have been on repeat this year for me;

FINNTROLL 04/10/14 London

 - BEHEMOTH - THE SATANIST 

 - FORN - THE DEPARTURE OF CONSCIOUSNESS 

 - AND END... - BETWEEN LIGHT AND LIES [not released this year, but I discovered it this year & fell in love]
 - MUSK OX - WOODFALL 

 - KRIEGSMASCHINE - ENEMY OF MAN

 and  

 - PREMATURE BIRTH - A CEREMONY OF POWER

Live Music is a saviour for me, It helps keep me alive. I have gone to countless gigs this year [and did manage a few outside of London & England], the tops ones were;

- 21/02 FINNTROLL / BELPHEGOR in Gothenburg

NECROS CHRISTOS 18/04/14 Oslo

- 18/04 Einar Selvik (not really a gig as was more a talk with some acoustic songs, but still the best musical experience of the year!) in Oslo

- 18/05 Henryk Górecki's Symphony No. 3 (performed by the BBC Concert Orchestra & Jessica Rivera) in London

- 14/07 NECROS CHRISTOS in London

- 20/09 CARCASS in Dublin

- 13/12 BEHEMOTH./ GRAND MAGUS in Manchester.

The amount of times I honestly felt happy this year could be counted on my fingers. But I really do like to consider myself an optimist and I am looking forward to 2015.
I have a few goals to work towards that should help me keep believing that life will get happier for me. I KNOW I am stronger than the monsters within... I just have to stop forgetting that =)

It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life... for me.

A Surreal Walk

 I went for an afternoon walk, an exercise of body & mind.

There is NEVER just ONE path.

Thought I'd cross through the fields on my way home. as usual I got lost.
The green fields had mostly turned yellow in the  sun, with spurts of purple flowers here & there.
I knew roughly my exit was a diagonal cut across, so that's what I attempted.
There's a lot of football pitches in the fields & clumps of trees & bushes... and the rest is unattended grass & reeds with countless small walking trails cutting through everywhere, criss-crossing themselves.
So I took one path, then swapped to another & so on was my tactic, I was in no rush.
The further I trekked the more I realised just how unkempt the grass has become.. for the most part it was taller then me... it felt like I was walking through a dry sea [the Dothraki Sea anyone?], That in itself was really quite surreal, everywhere I looked was this tall yellowing grass & in the distance trees & purple flowers, i felt isolated but in a good way.
Then out of nowhere this cute little puppy runs past, a distant voice started calling 'Hector, come back Hector' he wasn't listening, he was in his own little world as well. - Hi Hector.
I looked to the greying sky to see a flying creature of rippling crimson, orange & yellow, flying fire... too big & colourful for a local bird; A dragon was my first excited thought - where had my sense gone?!!? I slowly started to walk towards it.. it was a kite of course, but the knowledge didn't stop the magic.

How many colours do you REALLY see?

I was coming to another crossroads, with a flat field to one side. on the edge of the filed a broken tree lay, contrasting grey in amongst the green & yellow... an old couple was sitting on the tree.. they were eating cup cakes, laughing as only i thought young lovers could.
I watched them awhile. I knew it was intruding but I don't think they minded.. they were being, well human, showing me, well what humans do... 
Eventually I come to the edge & a road, a lot further down from my usual exit but alas it was an end nonetheless... as soon as I stepped on the asphalt I was back in East London...
I make a habit never too look back, but I know what I saw was real & yet how I saw it maybe not...

It's not about how the world sees you, It's about how YOU see the world...

** Note photos used where not from said walk, but others in different times & places.

This Just Happened.

    Depression is also a physical illness.

I don't feel whole anymore.

Its not something i can easily explain, but i feel the need to try.
So this is how it went.
I'm just sitting on my bed, scrolling through social networks, scrolling, scrolling, not really taking it in, not really doing anything, hours wasting by of pure nothingness. Why? I cant tell you why i do this. I honestly cant.
I turn to the right & see i've in fact left my bedroom door partly open.. How many hours ago? I should close that. I then roll over to my left side to fall on my stack of pillows.
Tears are streaming down my face - when did they start? What am i sad about? I don't feel so terribly sad? I don't really know what i feel, its like my emotions are a closed off room.
I tell myself 'ok we need to to get up & close the door.' ok, comes the answer.
My body doesn't move.
'No seriously! Why are we even lying like this?! Actually why have we done nothing all evening!? You cant be tired! Get up! 5 steps to the door if that & you'll be back again!' yeah this is true! Sorry silly me.
Body still doesn't move. Tears have stopped at least. My mind is racing, but my body is a dead weight. Its beyond lethargic. I cant move! I want to move, believe me this is not just standard laziness. My body has no more care.

My eyes close. The plain black, the abyss it seems a more comforting image then starting at the wall. I start to realise how much effort it takes just to breathe!
"in & out. In & out." it feels like its taking all my energy just to keep my body breathing. Its a shallow, slow, relaxing type of breathing. It should come naturally but it feels like a chore, like a command. Like my body is just shutting down.
It just doesn't care...
My conscious it screaming, threats of 'useless', 'pathetic', curses but it cant win the rest of the mind is too depressed if anything it's feeding on my frustration & hopelessness.
A long yawn comes. My body is putting itself to sleep, its the closest to death it can achieve where it is.
Just blackout. Sweet dreams or nightmares it doesn't care. It just doesn't want to be here anymore.
I cant tell you the amount of times this has won, i am truly that weak - i will wake up bours later in the same half curled position barely remembering how it happened. Only to tuck myself into bed and go back to sleep. I have no energy to fight anymore. i just sleep & sleep & sleep...

The only reason it didn't happen tonight is some bratty kids started screaming & cussing outside my window which jolted my body like a lightning bolt! It was up in a snap, windows closed to block the noise, then finally the door! (oh yeah, the door was what started this?) then its back to sitting on my bed, back to the laptop. Maybe some science youtube videos will be good? Make me focus on something.

I know this is bad, i know its unhealthy, and i know it has to stop.
But when you feel just so overwhelmingly depressed all your efforts seems to evaporate. I'm not mentally strong enough to deal with myself when i get like this... i just ride it out & hope to find a exit back into control...
I keep saying next time i wont let myself get to this stage again... i guess i should just be thankful i still have a 'next time.'

CELEBRATING 5 INFERNO METAL FESTIVAL'S

Anyone who's known me more then 5 minutes will know i am 'slightly' obsessed with Inferno Metal Festival.
To keep it short, i discovered the festival when i was about 16 [i decided then i would go when i turned 18, as it has an 18 age limit] and it really was the only thing keeping me going through those years, everytime i wanted to kill myself i'd just say 'but you havn't gone to Inferno yet! wait until you've at least gone there.' it gave me something to cling to when i was too mentally fragile to help myself.

Helvete Basement 2014

And Inferno 2009 finally came around & it was brilliant, it was my first time abroad alone, my first metal festival. my first time in Norway. It was such a great experience, i saw so many amazing bands i would never had a chance to see in Australia, i met some amazing people & got to visit some landmark sights in regard to Black Metal history [such as the Helvete Basement & Holmenkollen Chapel] I discovered another world, a world i felt i belonged too! it was home..

Inferno 2010

I came back to Australia, and told my mother 'next year i am going back to Inferno, & then i am moving to England! [Dual-Citizenship has its advantages! hehe]
So I went again to Inferno in 2010, and again it was brilliant & i met more amazing people, and also a notable experience, i got to see Wardruna play at Vikingskipshuset. (Viking Ship Museum), which was completely incredible!And then i did as i said, i moved to England, I wanted to start my life over, maybe then i'd enjoy being alive...

In late 2010 i moved from living with my gran in Bristol to moving on my own to London, so sadly Inferno 2011 was unattainable to me [I did how ever manage to go to Hole In The Sky - The Last Supper in Bergen, so i got my yearly Norwegian metal fix - & found the city i hope to one day live].

Bergen 2011

I was back again at Inferno 2012, meeting up with now old friends & of course making new ones! This was also the first Inferno which i drank at [& got FUCKING WASTED!] which resulted in missing a lot of bands i really wanted to see, and some very bloody & sore knees. lesson learnt, i dont need booze at Inferno its fun enough as it is!

For Inferno 2013 my mind was sadly not in the best place thanks to personal issues back in London, but friends & some amazing bands helped me keep my spirits up! was also the first year i decided to got to a different venue for the club night, so i got to see more of Oslo & what it had to offer in different venues!

Dimmu Borgir 2014

AND THIS YEAR! Inferno 2014, my 5th one! & also the first one which i stayed at the official hotel for & also decided to take an interest in the IMC [wish i had earlier]. Most of the bands this year were sweet & met some really awesome people, but it was actually the events out side the gigs that made this year!!
I went on a Fjord Cruise in which Church of Misery played!

Wardruna at Vikingskipshuset 2010

I  saw Einar Selvik demonstrate a selection of the oldest Nordic instruments & play some fully acoustic Wardruna music & speak about his interest in Norse Mythology/history, his relationship with Runes & the part it plays in the creative & recording process.
Wardruna are one of my favourite bands [since first discovering them at Inferno 2010] Their music is so powerful, it stirs within you images & emotions nothing else can bring out! and seeing Einar Selvik perform so casually & intimately was beyond words, i am not ashamed to say i teared up when he begun to play...
And if that wasnt enough i also went to hear Neckrobutcher speak about 30years of Mayhem, which was a lovely mix of serious & hilarious!
Also went back to the Helvete basement, which i am now very glad to see is Noseblod records! 

Best bands of INFERNO

- 2009 -  Carpathian Forest, Kampfar, Koldbrann, Swallow The Sun, Samael, Vreid, Helheim.

- 2010 - Kovenant, Taake, Finntroll, Ihsahn, Wardruna.

- 2012 - 1349, Arcturus, Autopsy, Anaal Nathrakh, Borknagar.

- 2013 - Hate, Satyricon, Solefald, In Vain, Behexem, Cor Scorpii, Vulture Industries, Carach Angren.

- 2014 - Dimmu Borgir, MGLA, Necros Christos, Mystifier, Posthum, Rotting Christ, Church of Misery, Oranssi Pazuzu.

And now to wait for next year! it will be Inferno's 15th Anniversary so you know it's going to be amazing! & i'll be there headbanging along \m/

Inferno 2014

.And a quick mention & thanks to Inferno that i discovered bands that  are now in my top lists, such as; Kampfar, Taake, Wardruna, Vreid, Finntroll, Swallow the Sun & Mistur, Hate to name a few.

You can see more of my photos from Inferno HERE

2013 - A Reflection.

I feel like I've lived multiple lives this year, Like i look back and i cant believe it was only in Feb that i was in Dublin with friends for Redemption fest.
Or in May i was sharing a bed with one of the most amazing people i have ever met.
Or in July i lost one of my closest friends who i thought would never walk out on me...And i lost said amazing man...and my laptop died taking all my writings with it. Not a good month.
Or in September i was about to kill myself while in Stockholm.

The year started with stress as my work went into administration and i had to move house. Next year is looking like a repeat as i have to again move house [this time being worse as all my house mates have already found other places and I'm searching on my own]. And my company is shutting more stores next year....
This year has just been so up and down, I've generally pretty much felt down this entire year, I've never suffered this constant crushing feeling for such a long period of time!
I've drifted away from a lot of friends i use to consider close, and I've made some new awesome ones.
I guess i experienced my 'first love & first heartbreak' yet it didn't inspire me at all to write, which was more salt to a wound then anything else!
My plans for Uni again seem unattainable thanks to my financial/living situation - But i am determine to at least do online courses.



But i'm trying to focus on the positives
- Primordial & Mael Mórdha in Dublin!
- Seeing PAIN in Cardiff in, His best gig, one of my fave gigs of all time.
- Inferno Festival in Oslo. I always enjoy, and this year had some killer sets from Satyricon, Taake, Hate, Behexen to name a few.
- Finntroll in Berlin [best i've seen them yet] juts being in Berlin! i have fallen in love with that city!
- Aesthetic Perfection in London. It was a very over due dance i really needed!
- Hypocrisy in Riga. and managing to get the setlist!
- Leprous & Vulture Industries in Stockholm

-  Arctic Monkeys album A.M. I never liked their older stuff but have fallen in love with this one!
- Gorecki's Symphony No.3 I only discovered it this year. never has a piece of music hit me so much! It makes a depressed mood feel beautiful! saved me from the abyss more times this year then i'd like to admit.
- Leucosis Self titled, i only discoverd this the start of December and loved it first listen! Just the kind of music i'd been searching for!
Noteable mentions; Wardruna [They can't do wrong]. Finntroll. Carcass [Was never really a fan before but have been won over] Satyricon [I'm bias i love everything they do] Hypocrisy [Again i'm bias, but another top album form them]

- The Vikings  TV series, maybe because i'm Viking obsessed? but i thought i was brilliant!
- The Hobbit I only saw the first one this year, and althougb i prefer LOTRs I loved the Hobbit and can not wait to see the next! and third!!

- Ken Follett. I only discovered his books this year. and have fallen in love. He captures the human soul so beautifully! He is in a league of his own!
- Jo Nesbo. Maybe because i am obsessed with Norway? But his stories are extremely engrossing and his perception of humans is so similar to mine!

This was the first year [since turning 18] That i havnt gotten a new tattoo... but i guess i did visit 6 other countries and see Peter Tägtgren 4 times on stage and Satyricon twice!

Unless i can change my mentality, i honestly dont know how i am going to get through next year.
But i'm setting myself goals., the usual i guess - Be more healthy, do more exercise. Do online courses, Get more focused on learning Norwegian. Focus my creativity so i can try and turn it into tangiable sentences.
Learn to Meditate so i can try and control stress and negativity.
I need to accept my life is not going to go down the path i want it to and i need to find a new path.

I want a positive year... so on that note i will not be starting 2014 until February! when i've moved into a new house [when i find a new house]  lol.
NYE PARTY AT THE UNICORN! LIVE METAL! NO BETTER WAY TO JOIN THE PASSING OF ONE YEAR TO THE NEXT!!