I guess when you can't sleep, and you can't afford to go out...with the rest of your world closed for their night what else can you do but reflect, on life?
Especially starting this blog again and seeing all my old posts really puts my in a nostalgic mood...
And what you all want to hear, or well what you will hear...MY REFLECTIONS!
my life is very unfulfilling...if i just look from when i last posted [May 2010] to now...what have i achieved?
I live on my own in London...yes this the biggest thing I've ever done in my life, i still wake up now [just a year on now] and I'm speechless at the fact I'm in London! I'm from Melbourne, Australia the idea of living in London was too obscure to even be a dream of mine, London was the place you saw "In The Pictures" i could never grasp the fact it was real, and yet here i am, the biggest snap decision in my life, the biggest detour to my goal of living in Norway, and yeah some days all i feel is hopeless, going nowhere, i work a dead end job, i STILL haven't seen EUROPE, i still have a constant cloud of depression over my head, i still eat badly, drink badly and have insane intimacy issues, but hey I LIVE IN LONDON! i have achieved! i have...i can budget [kind of, well i was able to afford a trip to Bergen, Norway].
i guess i can't be upset with all the "life lessons" i am getting here...
?London's Rainbow...but where's my gold
I guess it's like all things, if one bad thing happens it reminds you of ALL the other bad things instead of all the good things!
yeah I'll admit it, I've fallen for a guy [well two] since moving here, and yes both turned out to be not worth my emotions, though the one most recently is really getting to me! [but that's a rant for another time...]
but instead of seeing all my supportive "family of freaks" i have here, all i feel is betrayed and isolated...MISS NEGATIVITY I AM!
Anyway to try and stay on track, you can say i have achieved, that I'm young and living life, but still i feel like I've done nothing, that my life is meaningless, don't get me wrong...its FUN! really good laughs, and dancing, and a little traveling and sight seeing, but i don't feel like I'm doing anything for this world, for my life as a whole!
The main reason, the only real reason i can think of, and a reason that's always stuck in the back of my head; it's because I'm not studying! I'm not furthering my education, I'm not preparing myself for a more dignified and challenging job! I'm not using my full potential!
I know i can't studying here, but the wait is killing me, as i wait the fee's are just rising! the placements are becoming smaller, but what else can i do , i don't have the choice in the matter, i can't afford international fees! but i fear when i finally become a "home student" i wont be able to afford those fees either...it stress me, i feel like i belong in the education system!
Everyone my age gets to study. Though on the flip side, i am glad I've taken some time off, its helped mature me, and helped me decide what i really want to study, i don't know, my mind really is racing everywhere tonight...self-reflections aren't good for me!
But I'm lucky, yes i have an over dramatic personality...but i always bounce back smiling, always smiling...that's the most important thing to me!
its why i moved to the other side of the world, its why i get myself up every day...always chasing a smile...
I carry my smile on my arm, in case my face forgets...
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