I'm Going To Cease To Exist One Day

And i just cant accept it.
I can comprehend it, this is my only life, I'm not going to just die and then look back on this, this is not a dream or some stage show, this is what it is... and then it's going to be no more... i am going to end.
i can even explain whats swirling in my head, but the mere thought brings me to tears, its a physically painful realisation. I don't understand how the world does not freak out over this! [though to be fair i don't exactly publicly freak out...]
its just....
Maybe that's why I'm so discontent with my life, my only life, I'm not really doing anything with it... but if i was, would i be happy? if i was able to follow my dreams would i be happy? i would still become nothing in the end, if I'm lucky to become remembered does it matter? i wont exist i wont know about my left legacy because I WILL NOT EXIST! i cant get the thought out of my head, no matter how i turn it i cant accept it, i cant grasp it, and yet i know it... it's horrible.
Sometimes i wish i was religious and believed in a god and afterlife just for my conscious' sake i could die in ignorance thinking i would wake up someone else after... but deep down i know i wont, and it drives me insane, oh how i hate it... hate this
I dont know what to do, i cant deal with this...
recently i came across a quote, it was quite long, but one sentence in it;
“…And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it.” —  John Green, The Fault in Our Stars 
Ignore it, i try, i wake up the next morning and I've forgotten i get on with my pathetic life, but now and again the thought, it hits me, its like a blow to the stomach takes the wind out of me, if I'm in public no one will know the torment my mind is waging with me... but in private oh how it consumes me, i crumble under the weight of such simple logic.
I really don't know what to do, i guess if i start pursuing my dreams it'll ease the tension.
i feel i need to find the 'meaning of life' but I'm scared I'll be plagued with this my whole life, that if I'm lucky to make it to a deathbed I'll then, finally realise and embrace this... can anyone really embrace ending, not dying... it's ending!
What if I'm struck down tomorrow? then it's all over... at least i wont be plagued by this?
I know, generally speaking i am usually depressed, i hate my life, its a battle with myself each day to get out of bed and face this horrid reality, but i don't hate life, i love life with such a force that i never want it to end...i cant comprehend not living [well really, cant anyone?]
I'm circling, I'm rambling, and it's getting no where, it's helping nothing.
Nothing... always nothing...

When Realities Clash

So basically since arriving back in London from my weeks visit in Bergen, Norway at the end of August, I've kinda fallen into a spiral of self loathing and self pity, which has recently fueled my hate and disgust with today's society and the fears of the future generation taking control...

I've stopped drinking [which is a good thing] But I'm eating more, and not healthy food, i tried so hard to lose weight, and even lost a little with all the walking i did in Norway, but I've put on now more then i lost, and as much as i may cry about it i cant seem to get myself into action and do something about it!
I've also stopped clubbing and other social activities; bar a few gigs here and there, which most end badly [you can read about that HERE]
i cant remember the last time I've been out with my friends, but my mind is swarming with so much self pity i don't even seem to miss them, and when i do think of them i feel guilty for abandoning them...which just makes me feel worse.

I'm escaping into books and films anything that can make me forget what a failure my current situation seems to be, in my eyes and also my blood relatives [but i knew they lost all respect for me along time ago, i guess I'm living up to their expectations of me?]

I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me [if their is actually anything wrong] so i can and go about my life...smiling

The conclusion I've seem to come up with is the fact that i don't 'live in reality' so to speak, i have this little 'dream life' i keep living out in my head, and its not real and instead of accepting it as a nice daydream i just resent the 'real world' for not being what i want it to be, and its my fault its not my dreamworld! i keep walking down paths blindfolded then curse when i stumble and fall lost in some forest, I'm at the point where i want to say fuck off to life experience and just snap into my little perfect world and have that! i mean why cant i?
i had opportunities to try and get it and i just turn my back on them! it's true we are our own worst enemies! and it's really starting to get to me!
i want the life i believe i deserve, but i want someone too hand it too me on a fucking silver platter! it's pathetic! and you thought I'd wake up by now, realise I'm being an idiot, accept the life i have and change it at a pace that wont crash and burn?
writing it makes it seem so simple IT IS SO SIMPLE!! and yet...here i am moping and crying, hating...hopeless hate, and I'm getting nowhere and i fear its getting worse, and i pray when i wake each morning something would eventually click and the world will restore its colour, and I'll do something, i will become what i want to be, but nothing changes, false hope, i really just don't know, and i fear i just don't seem to care anymore...

Am I Scared?
i am scared to fail, the the more i reach for my dream the more unattainable it will become, I'm scared of entering this real world, of growing up and actually doing something with my life!
i want it, but am i ready? but I'm not getting any younger?
am i enough? but how can i be more then what i am?
circling, a cruel cycle, round and round, too much in my mind! too much potential? or just too many wild dreams to comfort me when i should be challenging me!
i feel I'm at the end of my rope...i feel the time has come for something to happen, yet i feel like I'm still not going to do anything, or anything right.

conflicting selves! my realities are clashing into each other and i don't know how to have them both, i cant continue on like this... I CANT


But don't worry, I'd never kill myself, for the small hope that one day i WILL wake up smiling at a world I've never loved so much...