So basically since arriving back in London from my weeks visit in Bergen, Norway at the end of August, I've kinda fallen into a spiral of self loathing and self pity, which has recently fueled my hate and disgust with today's society and the fears of the future generation taking control...
I've stopped drinking [which is a good thing] But I'm eating more, and not healthy food, i tried so hard to lose weight, and even lost a little with all the walking i did in Norway, but I've put on now more then i lost, and as much as i may cry about it i cant seem to get myself into action and do something about it!
I've also stopped clubbing and other social activities; bar a few gigs here and there, which most end badly [you can read about that HERE]
i cant remember the last time I've been out with my friends, but my mind is swarming with so much self pity i don't even seem to miss them, and when i do think of them i feel guilty for abandoning them...which just makes me feel worse.
I'm escaping into books and films anything that can make me forget what a failure my current situation seems to be, in my eyes and also my blood relatives [but i knew they lost all respect for me along time ago, i guess I'm living up to their expectations of me?]
I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me [if their is actually anything wrong] so i can and go about my life...smiling
The conclusion I've seem to come up with is the fact that i don't 'live in reality' so to speak, i have this little 'dream life' i keep living out in my head, and its not real and instead of accepting it as a nice daydream i just resent the 'real world' for not being what i want it to be, and its my fault its not my dreamworld! i keep walking down paths blindfolded then curse when i stumble and fall lost in some forest, I'm at the point where i want to say fuck off to life experience and just snap into my little perfect world and have that! i mean why cant i?
i had opportunities to try and get it and i just turn my back on them! it's true we are our own worst enemies! and it's really starting to get to me!
i want the life i believe i deserve, but i want someone too hand it too me on a fucking silver platter! it's pathetic! and you thought I'd wake up by now, realise I'm being an idiot, accept the life i have and change it at a pace that wont crash and burn?
writing it makes it seem so simple IT IS SO SIMPLE!! and yet...here i am moping and crying, hating...hopeless hate, and I'm getting nowhere and i fear its getting worse, and i pray when i wake each morning something would eventually click and the world will restore its colour, and I'll do something, i will become what i want to be, but nothing changes, false hope, i really just don't know, and i fear i just don't seem to care anymore...
Am I Scared?
i am scared to fail, the the more i reach for my dream the more unattainable it will become, I'm scared of entering this real world, of growing up and actually doing something with my life!
i want it, but am i ready? but I'm not getting any younger?
am i enough? but how can i be more then what i am?
circling, a cruel cycle, round and round, too much in my mind! too much potential? or just too many wild dreams to comfort me when i should be challenging me!
i feel I'm at the end of my rope...i feel the time has come for something to happen, yet i feel like I'm still not going to do anything, or anything right.
conflicting selves! my realities are clashing into each other and i don't know how to have them both, i cant continue on like this... I CANT
But don't worry, I'd never kill myself, for the small hope that one day i WILL wake up smiling at a world I've never loved so much...
