When Realities Clash

So basically since arriving back in London from my weeks visit in Bergen, Norway at the end of August, I've kinda fallen into a spiral of self loathing and self pity, which has recently fueled my hate and disgust with today's society and the fears of the future generation taking control...

I've stopped drinking [which is a good thing] But I'm eating more, and not healthy food, i tried so hard to lose weight, and even lost a little with all the walking i did in Norway, but I've put on now more then i lost, and as much as i may cry about it i cant seem to get myself into action and do something about it!
I've also stopped clubbing and other social activities; bar a few gigs here and there, which most end badly [you can read about that HERE]
i cant remember the last time I've been out with my friends, but my mind is swarming with so much self pity i don't even seem to miss them, and when i do think of them i feel guilty for abandoning them...which just makes me feel worse.

I'm escaping into books and films anything that can make me forget what a failure my current situation seems to be, in my eyes and also my blood relatives [but i knew they lost all respect for me along time ago, i guess I'm living up to their expectations of me?]

I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me [if their is actually anything wrong] so i can and go about my life...smiling

The conclusion I've seem to come up with is the fact that i don't 'live in reality' so to speak, i have this little 'dream life' i keep living out in my head, and its not real and instead of accepting it as a nice daydream i just resent the 'real world' for not being what i want it to be, and its my fault its not my dreamworld! i keep walking down paths blindfolded then curse when i stumble and fall lost in some forest, I'm at the point where i want to say fuck off to life experience and just snap into my little perfect world and have that! i mean why cant i?
i had opportunities to try and get it and i just turn my back on them! it's true we are our own worst enemies! and it's really starting to get to me!
i want the life i believe i deserve, but i want someone too hand it too me on a fucking silver platter! it's pathetic! and you thought I'd wake up by now, realise I'm being an idiot, accept the life i have and change it at a pace that wont crash and burn?
writing it makes it seem so simple IT IS SO SIMPLE!! and yet...here i am moping and crying, hating...hopeless hate, and I'm getting nowhere and i fear its getting worse, and i pray when i wake each morning something would eventually click and the world will restore its colour, and I'll do something, i will become what i want to be, but nothing changes, false hope, i really just don't know, and i fear i just don't seem to care anymore...

Am I Scared?
i am scared to fail, the the more i reach for my dream the more unattainable it will become, I'm scared of entering this real world, of growing up and actually doing something with my life!
i want it, but am i ready? but I'm not getting any younger?
am i enough? but how can i be more then what i am?
circling, a cruel cycle, round and round, too much in my mind! too much potential? or just too many wild dreams to comfort me when i should be challenging me!
i feel I'm at the end of my rope...i feel the time has come for something to happen, yet i feel like I'm still not going to do anything, or anything right.

conflicting selves! my realities are clashing into each other and i don't know how to have them both, i cant continue on like this... I CANT


But don't worry, I'd never kill myself, for the small hope that one day i WILL wake up smiling at a world I've never loved so much...

Losing patience with life…

Nearly smashed a guy to death tonight, I have claw marks on my wrists from having to restrain to myself.
I have never felt such hopeless rage before! And now that’s its subsided all I feel is hopeless despair!
I cant believe someone has reduced me to such a horrible state, but I know it’s just not one person, they just happened to be the last straw; I’m cracking I can feel it! It’s as if I’m on a tightrope balancing between suicide and murder! Call me dramatic but I feel so high-strung I really don’t know what I might do!
London’s killing me, and I don’t know what I’ve done that’s so bad that I have to keep on being punished, being perused by the filth and scum of the populace!
I can’t go out without my life personally being affected by some disrespectful poor excuse for a human being! Whether they are breaking common law, or just social law, they keep on interfering with my everyday activities: I cant go clubbing, I cant go to a gig, I cant even travel to or from work without witnessing or being caught up in the filth of the humanity! It seems to follow me.
Every time I go out to have a fun to, to just relax someone comes along and destroys it, all I see is the dirty, the bad, the filth, the complete lack of respect for this world, society and people in general.
I’m so fucking sick of it! I rather just not go out then risk a night being needlessly wrecked.
I know it shouldn’t bother me, and I should just ignore them and enjoy my night, but I cant, I cant just pretend this world is some lovely place any more, I’ve seen too much to contradict the view!
It’s beyond me to why people are so sick, why people just don’t care anymore.
It’s simple things, small things to follow; like don’t smoke on a underground or bus, don’t unnecessarily trip someone over as they headbang to a band because you want to be the one standing behind your girlfriend [who had shamelessly pushed her way to that spot in the first place!]
Don’t yell at a band on stage to “hurry up” just because you didn’t come to see them! Don’t cut ques because you came late.
Or in my case of work, customer just dumping items they don’t want anywhere and then having a go at me because I cant find a film for them that someone else has most likely thrown somewhere instead of just handing it into the till!
I could go on but I’ll stop at just the things I’ve seen the last couple of days. It’s unbelievable little petty things, stupid thing, and yet so many people are walking around expecting you to treat them right when they go and shit all over your rights!
London is becoming unliveable! Just look at the stupidity of the riots!
I really can’t deal with it anymore, I use to turn away, but it’s happening too much for me not to take notice and offence!
I don’t know what to do, I feel like I can’t do anything!
These people are sick, and it’s only getting worse, I don’t blame the older generations for looking down on us, they one day have to hand over the running of the world to us, and it’s not like we have a good track record of showing we actually deserve this place!
I’m ranting in circles, I cant express, I cant even comprehend what this world has become, I’ve finally lost faith in a world I loved so much, and I don’t know how to get my world back!
-Breathes out- I don’t know what else to say, So Sleep? What is it they say? Tomorrow is always another day…