"Those that we admired
All stood their grounds and cried"
'Better Off Alone' - Grinspoon
Every time i hear these lyrics it stops me.
They are such true words, and they always make me think; i agree with the lyrics, i admire people who are "strong" enough to break down and show their "weakness" to all, as much sense as that makes, but it does make me wonder about my life...and how i relate to situations.
I find it odd, that i can cry in public, and believe me i have, i have truly broken down in public, to a stranger [well police officer, but still] and yet, no matter how horrible it is, i cant bring myself to crying in front of family of friends, showing them that no, I'm not strong, no i cant do this, yes i do need help!
But i guess it was my upbringing, my parents taught me and my sister [subconsciously or not] that we shouldn't exert major emotions in public [yes my own home was considered "public"] so i would put on a smile, or a glare where ever i went, and in the confines of my room I'd blast something loud and let it all out, a good cry, a good tantrum, but to do it alone, does it solve anything? you get a physical release, but the problem remains long after the tears dry,
As i got older this "issue" stayed with me, i could easily yell and scream at anyone, known to me or not, but never tears, never pain.
But sometimes the emotions, the situation becomes too over whelming, and you cant keep it in... [without going into too much detail, as i still don't like to think about it] i was a "victim" of a "flat con" when i first tried to move to London, the embarrassment, the hopelessness you feel i wouldn't even wish on an enemy! too look and being able to see all the signs there and to still go ahead with it, must have been the lowest point in my life that i can think of.
And as the penny dropped on the situation the whole of me crashed down with it. Going to the police and having to utter "i think I've been conned" was all the strength i had left, to try and sit through an interview going over what happened when all you can think about is trying to stop the tears, trying to control you breathing back to normal, i don't think I've ever cried so much in front of someone, and really bless the police officers who patiently sat there with a tissue ready at hand.
But when i finally left the station [luckily my uncle in London let me stay with him for a while] and got to my uncles i couldn't cry, i flatly told him what happened, thanked him for letting me stay with him, but could not cry in his presence [maybe it was disgust and disappointment i could feel in his eyes that made me hold it together?] but once in the spare room alone, again i broke down...i spent a lot of that week crying, as i was coming to terms with what had happened [the job i had lined up also fell through, the guy i really liked turned out to be another 'lying to get in my pants' kinda guy, my father started trying to contact me again] so yeah, i had a lot in my head i was musing over but i could never release any of these pent up feelings in the eyes of friends or family. i could be sitting by the River Thames [it was my favourite place to go to think] and the tears would start to flow, or I'd be waiting for a train back to my uncles, and just break down watching the rest of London moving through their life...
But no matter if i met friends n told them what happened, or i faced the music and was sent back to my nans in Bristol to try again for London, i just could show them my emotion, i guess they thought i hadn't taken what happened seriously, but i had really i had! but to cry in front of a loved one, or a family member is just not in me, even all the petty dramas that have occurred since still hide their tears till I'm alone, or at least away from people i know...
I do however feel a little liberated to cry in public, it gives me more relief to cry while waiting for a bus then it does to cry in my room, so isolated, its like if i cant bring myself to seek comfort from a friend at least i can seek comfort from the world as a whole, which is why i like rain so much...like i once blogged
that you can read here...I know 'one day' I'll feel comfortable enough to be able to cry in the face of some one and be able to look them in the eyes again, but i cant at the moment...so like always i respect the people that live in ways i want to live, if only the action is as simple as showing the world you will not hide away your pain...
Although I've always had trouble with asking for help, my closest and dearest always seem to know...
Comfort doesn't always have to be in human presence
The main thing that keeps going through my head, has finally been put into words by an amazing book i read, i may not have the solution to the problem, but at least i now have a name for it... 
But how can i think when this world wont stop nagging me. i just want peace, to have everyone fuck off, just for a little, i'm sick of everything at the moment. it's petty! petty drama by petty people. 
