2013 - A Reflection.

I feel like I've lived multiple lives this year, Like i look back and i cant believe it was only in Feb that i was in Dublin with friends for Redemption fest.
Or in May i was sharing a bed with one of the most amazing people i have ever met.
Or in July i lost one of my closest friends who i thought would never walk out on me...And i lost said amazing man...and my laptop died taking all my writings with it. Not a good month.
Or in September i was about to kill myself while in Stockholm.

The year started with stress as my work went into administration and i had to move house. Next year is looking like a repeat as i have to again move house [this time being worse as all my house mates have already found other places and I'm searching on my own]. And my company is shutting more stores next year....
This year has just been so up and down, I've generally pretty much felt down this entire year, I've never suffered this constant crushing feeling for such a long period of time!
I've drifted away from a lot of friends i use to consider close, and I've made some new awesome ones.
I guess i experienced my 'first love & first heartbreak' yet it didn't inspire me at all to write, which was more salt to a wound then anything else!
My plans for Uni again seem unattainable thanks to my financial/living situation - But i am determine to at least do online courses.



But i'm trying to focus on the positives
- Primordial & Mael Mórdha in Dublin!
- Seeing PAIN in Cardiff in, His best gig, one of my fave gigs of all time.
- Inferno Festival in Oslo. I always enjoy, and this year had some killer sets from Satyricon, Taake, Hate, Behexen to name a few.
- Finntroll in Berlin [best i've seen them yet] juts being in Berlin! i have fallen in love with that city!
- Aesthetic Perfection in London. It was a very over due dance i really needed!
- Hypocrisy in Riga. and managing to get the setlist!
- Leprous & Vulture Industries in Stockholm

-  Arctic Monkeys album A.M. I never liked their older stuff but have fallen in love with this one!
- Gorecki's Symphony No.3 I only discovered it this year. never has a piece of music hit me so much! It makes a depressed mood feel beautiful! saved me from the abyss more times this year then i'd like to admit.
- Leucosis Self titled, i only discoverd this the start of December and loved it first listen! Just the kind of music i'd been searching for!
Noteable mentions; Wardruna [They can't do wrong]. Finntroll. Carcass [Was never really a fan before but have been won over] Satyricon [I'm bias i love everything they do] Hypocrisy [Again i'm bias, but another top album form them]

- The Vikings  TV series, maybe because i'm Viking obsessed? but i thought i was brilliant!
- The Hobbit I only saw the first one this year, and althougb i prefer LOTRs I loved the Hobbit and can not wait to see the next! and third!!

- Ken Follett. I only discovered his books this year. and have fallen in love. He captures the human soul so beautifully! He is in a league of his own!
- Jo Nesbo. Maybe because i am obsessed with Norway? But his stories are extremely engrossing and his perception of humans is so similar to mine!

This was the first year [since turning 18] That i havnt gotten a new tattoo... but i guess i did visit 6 other countries and see Peter Tägtgren 4 times on stage and Satyricon twice!

Unless i can change my mentality, i honestly dont know how i am going to get through next year.
But i'm setting myself goals., the usual i guess - Be more healthy, do more exercise. Do online courses, Get more focused on learning Norwegian. Focus my creativity so i can try and turn it into tangiable sentences.
Learn to Meditate so i can try and control stress and negativity.
I need to accept my life is not going to go down the path i want it to and i need to find a new path.

I want a positive year... so on that note i will not be starting 2014 until February! when i've moved into a new house [when i find a new house]  lol.
NYE PARTY AT THE UNICORN! LIVE METAL! NO BETTER WAY TO JOIN THE PASSING OF ONE YEAR TO THE NEXT!!

I'm Going To Cease To Exist One Day

And i just cant accept it.
I can comprehend it, this is my only life, I'm not going to just die and then look back on this, this is not a dream or some stage show, this is what it is... and then it's going to be no more... i am going to end.
i can even explain whats swirling in my head, but the mere thought brings me to tears, its a physically painful realisation. I don't understand how the world does not freak out over this! [though to be fair i don't exactly publicly freak out...]
its just....
Maybe that's why I'm so discontent with my life, my only life, I'm not really doing anything with it... but if i was, would i be happy? if i was able to follow my dreams would i be happy? i would still become nothing in the end, if I'm lucky to become remembered does it matter? i wont exist i wont know about my left legacy because I WILL NOT EXIST! i cant get the thought out of my head, no matter how i turn it i cant accept it, i cant grasp it, and yet i know it... it's horrible.
Sometimes i wish i was religious and believed in a god and afterlife just for my conscious' sake i could die in ignorance thinking i would wake up someone else after... but deep down i know i wont, and it drives me insane, oh how i hate it... hate this
I dont know what to do, i cant deal with this...
recently i came across a quote, it was quite long, but one sentence in it;
“…And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it.” —  John Green, The Fault in Our Stars 
Ignore it, i try, i wake up the next morning and I've forgotten i get on with my pathetic life, but now and again the thought, it hits me, its like a blow to the stomach takes the wind out of me, if I'm in public no one will know the torment my mind is waging with me... but in private oh how it consumes me, i crumble under the weight of such simple logic.
I really don't know what to do, i guess if i start pursuing my dreams it'll ease the tension.
i feel i need to find the 'meaning of life' but I'm scared I'll be plagued with this my whole life, that if I'm lucky to make it to a deathbed I'll then, finally realise and embrace this... can anyone really embrace ending, not dying... it's ending!
What if I'm struck down tomorrow? then it's all over... at least i wont be plagued by this?
I know, generally speaking i am usually depressed, i hate my life, its a battle with myself each day to get out of bed and face this horrid reality, but i don't hate life, i love life with such a force that i never want it to end...i cant comprehend not living [well really, cant anyone?]
I'm circling, I'm rambling, and it's getting no where, it's helping nothing.
Nothing... always nothing...