Good-Bye 2014...

I keep fighting with myself about writing a big 'year in review' but ultimately I've decided I had too.

Storms at least look beautiful

I had such a positive outlook starting 2014... and then my little world went to hell.

I let my depression get the better of me this year, for the first time I actually felt like I could not cope with it... I was feared into an almost paralysis... which didn't help me fix the dire living / work situation I was in. - Granted It did stop me killing myself because I had no energy to embark on such an act.

It's only been in the last month that I've felt somewhat more in control of myself, of my mind. I am slowly crawling back out of the abyss... I don't honestly believe I'll ever leave it, but I want to at least be back on a ledge where I can glimpse the sun.

My brother in headbanging

I will say, I honestly don't think I would have made it though this year without some truly understanding and supportive friends. Daryl, Thomas, Leon, Roo & Cristina... I thank you.
They didn't harass me when I said I could not go out, that I literally could not get myself out of bed.
They were always there to listen to me when I felt I needed to rant, to scream, to cry - even if I would only be able to 'bitch & moan' about petty issues.
When I was with them they always conveyed such positivity and energy that I was able to greedily feed upon.

So many times I've wanted to fly away

Photography has also been a huge help this year. I have always loved it, but starting to understand it more and having a friend who love it just as much as really been good. Photography calms me, it makes me forget the reality I am in and enables me to capture a new reality around me.






And of course music... There has luckily been such an overwhelming amount of amazing music I have discovered this year, and still so many I havn't had time to listen too.

I shall only list a few albums that have been on repeat this year for me;

FINNTROLL 04/10/14 London

 - BEHEMOTH - THE SATANIST 

 - FORN - THE DEPARTURE OF CONSCIOUSNESS 

 - AND END... - BETWEEN LIGHT AND LIES [not released this year, but I discovered it this year & fell in love]
 - MUSK OX - WOODFALL 

 - KRIEGSMASCHINE - ENEMY OF MAN

 and  

 - PREMATURE BIRTH - A CEREMONY OF POWER

Live Music is a saviour for me, It helps keep me alive. I have gone to countless gigs this year [and did manage a few outside of London & England], the tops ones were;

- 21/02 FINNTROLL / BELPHEGOR in Gothenburg

NECROS CHRISTOS 18/04/14 Oslo

- 18/04 Einar Selvik (not really a gig as was more a talk with some acoustic songs, but still the best musical experience of the year!) in Oslo

- 18/05 Henryk Górecki's Symphony No. 3 (performed by the BBC Concert Orchestra & Jessica Rivera) in London

- 14/07 NECROS CHRISTOS in London

- 20/09 CARCASS in Dublin

- 13/12 BEHEMOTH./ GRAND MAGUS in Manchester.

The amount of times I honestly felt happy this year could be counted on my fingers. But I really do like to consider myself an optimist and I am looking forward to 2015.
I have a few goals to work towards that should help me keep believing that life will get happier for me. I KNOW I am stronger than the monsters within... I just have to stop forgetting that =)

It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life... for me.

A Surreal Walk

 I went for an afternoon walk, an exercise of body & mind.

There is NEVER just ONE path.

Thought I'd cross through the fields on my way home. as usual I got lost.
The green fields had mostly turned yellow in the  sun, with spurts of purple flowers here & there.
I knew roughly my exit was a diagonal cut across, so that's what I attempted.
There's a lot of football pitches in the fields & clumps of trees & bushes... and the rest is unattended grass & reeds with countless small walking trails cutting through everywhere, criss-crossing themselves.
So I took one path, then swapped to another & so on was my tactic, I was in no rush.
The further I trekked the more I realised just how unkempt the grass has become.. for the most part it was taller then me... it felt like I was walking through a dry sea [the Dothraki Sea anyone?], That in itself was really quite surreal, everywhere I looked was this tall yellowing grass & in the distance trees & purple flowers, i felt isolated but in a good way.
Then out of nowhere this cute little puppy runs past, a distant voice started calling 'Hector, come back Hector' he wasn't listening, he was in his own little world as well. - Hi Hector.
I looked to the greying sky to see a flying creature of rippling crimson, orange & yellow, flying fire... too big & colourful for a local bird; A dragon was my first excited thought - where had my sense gone?!!? I slowly started to walk towards it.. it was a kite of course, but the knowledge didn't stop the magic.

How many colours do you REALLY see?

I was coming to another crossroads, with a flat field to one side. on the edge of the filed a broken tree lay, contrasting grey in amongst the green & yellow... an old couple was sitting on the tree.. they were eating cup cakes, laughing as only i thought young lovers could.
I watched them awhile. I knew it was intruding but I don't think they minded.. they were being, well human, showing me, well what humans do... 
Eventually I come to the edge & a road, a lot further down from my usual exit but alas it was an end nonetheless... as soon as I stepped on the asphalt I was back in East London...
I make a habit never too look back, but I know what I saw was real & yet how I saw it maybe not...

It's not about how the world sees you, It's about how YOU see the world...

** Note photos used where not from said walk, but others in different times & places.

This Just Happened.

    Depression is also a physical illness.

I don't feel whole anymore.

Its not something i can easily explain, but i feel the need to try.
So this is how it went.
I'm just sitting on my bed, scrolling through social networks, scrolling, scrolling, not really taking it in, not really doing anything, hours wasting by of pure nothingness. Why? I cant tell you why i do this. I honestly cant.
I turn to the right & see i've in fact left my bedroom door partly open.. How many hours ago? I should close that. I then roll over to my left side to fall on my stack of pillows.
Tears are streaming down my face - when did they start? What am i sad about? I don't feel so terribly sad? I don't really know what i feel, its like my emotions are a closed off room.
I tell myself 'ok we need to to get up & close the door.' ok, comes the answer.
My body doesn't move.
'No seriously! Why are we even lying like this?! Actually why have we done nothing all evening!? You cant be tired! Get up! 5 steps to the door if that & you'll be back again!' yeah this is true! Sorry silly me.
Body still doesn't move. Tears have stopped at least. My mind is racing, but my body is a dead weight. Its beyond lethargic. I cant move! I want to move, believe me this is not just standard laziness. My body has no more care.

My eyes close. The plain black, the abyss it seems a more comforting image then starting at the wall. I start to realise how much effort it takes just to breathe!
"in & out. In & out." it feels like its taking all my energy just to keep my body breathing. Its a shallow, slow, relaxing type of breathing. It should come naturally but it feels like a chore, like a command. Like my body is just shutting down.
It just doesn't care...
My conscious it screaming, threats of 'useless', 'pathetic', curses but it cant win the rest of the mind is too depressed if anything it's feeding on my frustration & hopelessness.
A long yawn comes. My body is putting itself to sleep, its the closest to death it can achieve where it is.
Just blackout. Sweet dreams or nightmares it doesn't care. It just doesn't want to be here anymore.
I cant tell you the amount of times this has won, i am truly that weak - i will wake up bours later in the same half curled position barely remembering how it happened. Only to tuck myself into bed and go back to sleep. I have no energy to fight anymore. i just sleep & sleep & sleep...

The only reason it didn't happen tonight is some bratty kids started screaming & cussing outside my window which jolted my body like a lightning bolt! It was up in a snap, windows closed to block the noise, then finally the door! (oh yeah, the door was what started this?) then its back to sitting on my bed, back to the laptop. Maybe some science youtube videos will be good? Make me focus on something.

I know this is bad, i know its unhealthy, and i know it has to stop.
But when you feel just so overwhelmingly depressed all your efforts seems to evaporate. I'm not mentally strong enough to deal with myself when i get like this... i just ride it out & hope to find a exit back into control...
I keep saying next time i wont let myself get to this stage again... i guess i should just be thankful i still have a 'next time.'

CELEBRATING 5 INFERNO METAL FESTIVAL'S

Anyone who's known me more then 5 minutes will know i am 'slightly' obsessed with Inferno Metal Festival.
To keep it short, i discovered the festival when i was about 16 [i decided then i would go when i turned 18, as it has an 18 age limit] and it really was the only thing keeping me going through those years, everytime i wanted to kill myself i'd just say 'but you havn't gone to Inferno yet! wait until you've at least gone there.' it gave me something to cling to when i was too mentally fragile to help myself.

Helvete Basement 2014

And Inferno 2009 finally came around & it was brilliant, it was my first time abroad alone, my first metal festival. my first time in Norway. It was such a great experience, i saw so many amazing bands i would never had a chance to see in Australia, i met some amazing people & got to visit some landmark sights in regard to Black Metal history [such as the Helvete Basement & Holmenkollen Chapel] I discovered another world, a world i felt i belonged too! it was home..

Inferno 2010

I came back to Australia, and told my mother 'next year i am going back to Inferno, & then i am moving to England! [Dual-Citizenship has its advantages! hehe]
So I went again to Inferno in 2010, and again it was brilliant & i met more amazing people, and also a notable experience, i got to see Wardruna play at Vikingskipshuset. (Viking Ship Museum), which was completely incredible!And then i did as i said, i moved to England, I wanted to start my life over, maybe then i'd enjoy being alive...

In late 2010 i moved from living with my gran in Bristol to moving on my own to London, so sadly Inferno 2011 was unattainable to me [I did how ever manage to go to Hole In The Sky - The Last Supper in Bergen, so i got my yearly Norwegian metal fix - & found the city i hope to one day live].

Bergen 2011

I was back again at Inferno 2012, meeting up with now old friends & of course making new ones! This was also the first Inferno which i drank at [& got FUCKING WASTED!] which resulted in missing a lot of bands i really wanted to see, and some very bloody & sore knees. lesson learnt, i dont need booze at Inferno its fun enough as it is!

For Inferno 2013 my mind was sadly not in the best place thanks to personal issues back in London, but friends & some amazing bands helped me keep my spirits up! was also the first year i decided to got to a different venue for the club night, so i got to see more of Oslo & what it had to offer in different venues!

Dimmu Borgir 2014

AND THIS YEAR! Inferno 2014, my 5th one! & also the first one which i stayed at the official hotel for & also decided to take an interest in the IMC [wish i had earlier]. Most of the bands this year were sweet & met some really awesome people, but it was actually the events out side the gigs that made this year!!
I went on a Fjord Cruise in which Church of Misery played!

Wardruna at Vikingskipshuset 2010

I  saw Einar Selvik demonstrate a selection of the oldest Nordic instruments & play some fully acoustic Wardruna music & speak about his interest in Norse Mythology/history, his relationship with Runes & the part it plays in the creative & recording process.
Wardruna are one of my favourite bands [since first discovering them at Inferno 2010] Their music is so powerful, it stirs within you images & emotions nothing else can bring out! and seeing Einar Selvik perform so casually & intimately was beyond words, i am not ashamed to say i teared up when he begun to play...
And if that wasnt enough i also went to hear Neckrobutcher speak about 30years of Mayhem, which was a lovely mix of serious & hilarious!
Also went back to the Helvete basement, which i am now very glad to see is Noseblod records! 

Best bands of INFERNO

- 2009 -  Carpathian Forest, Kampfar, Koldbrann, Swallow The Sun, Samael, Vreid, Helheim.

- 2010 - Kovenant, Taake, Finntroll, Ihsahn, Wardruna.

- 2012 - 1349, Arcturus, Autopsy, Anaal Nathrakh, Borknagar.

- 2013 - Hate, Satyricon, Solefald, In Vain, Behexem, Cor Scorpii, Vulture Industries, Carach Angren.

- 2014 - Dimmu Borgir, MGLA, Necros Christos, Mystifier, Posthum, Rotting Christ, Church of Misery, Oranssi Pazuzu.

And now to wait for next year! it will be Inferno's 15th Anniversary so you know it's going to be amazing! & i'll be there headbanging along \m/

Inferno 2014

.And a quick mention & thanks to Inferno that i discovered bands that  are now in my top lists, such as; Kampfar, Taake, Wardruna, Vreid, Finntroll, Swallow the Sun & Mistur, Hate to name a few.

You can see more of my photos from Inferno HERE