I can comprehend it, this is my only life, I'm not going to just die and then look back on this, this is not a dream or some stage show, this is what it is... and then it's going to be no more... i am going to end.
i can even explain whats swirling in my head, but the mere thought brings me to tears, its a physically painful realisation. I don't understand how the world does not freak out over this! [though to be fair i don't exactly publicly freak out...]
its just....
Maybe that's why I'm so discontent with my life, my only life, I'm not really doing anything with it... but if i was, would i be happy? if i was able to follow my dreams would i be happy? i would still become nothing in the end, if I'm lucky to become remembered does it matter? i wont exist i wont know about my left legacy because I WILL NOT EXIST! i cant get the thought out of my head, no matter how i turn it i cant accept it, i cant grasp it, and yet i know it... it's horrible.
Sometimes i wish i was religious and believed in a god and afterlife just for my conscious' sake i could die in ignorance thinking i would wake up someone else after... but deep down i know i wont, and it drives me insane, oh how i hate it... hate this
I dont know what to do, i cant deal with this...
recently i came across a quote, it was quite long, but one sentence in it;
“…And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it.” — John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
Ignore it, i try, i wake up the next morning and I've forgotten i get on with my pathetic life, but now and again the thought, it hits me, its like a blow to the stomach takes the wind out of me, if I'm in public no one will know the torment my mind is waging with me... but in private oh how it consumes me, i crumble under the weight of such simple logic.
I really don't know what to do, i guess if i start pursuing my dreams it'll ease the tension.
i feel i need to find the 'meaning of life' but I'm scared I'll be plagued with this my whole life, that if I'm lucky to make it to a deathbed I'll then, finally realise and embrace this... can anyone really embrace ending, not dying... it's ending!
What if I'm struck down tomorrow? then it's all over... at least i wont be plagued by this?
I know, generally speaking i am usually depressed, i hate my life, its a battle with myself each day to get out of bed and face this horrid reality, but i don't hate life, i love life with such a force that i never want it to end...i cant comprehend not living [well really, cant anyone?]
I'm circling, I'm rambling, and it's getting no where, it's helping nothing.
Nothing... always nothing...
