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| I don't feel whole anymore. |
So this is how it went.
I'm just sitting on my bed, scrolling through social networks, scrolling, scrolling, not really taking it in, not really doing anything, hours wasting by of pure nothingness. Why? I cant tell you why i do this. I honestly cant.
I turn to the right & see i've in fact left my bedroom door partly open.. How many hours ago? I should close that. I then roll over to my left side to fall on my stack of pillows.
Tears are streaming down my face - when did they start? What am i sad about? I don't feel so terribly sad? I don't really know what i feel, its like my emotions are a closed off room.
I tell myself 'ok we need to to get up & close the door.' ok, comes the answer.
My body doesn't move.
'No seriously! Why are we even lying like this?! Actually why have we done nothing all evening!? You cant be tired! Get up! 5 steps to the door if that & you'll be back again!' yeah this is true! Sorry silly me.
Body still doesn't move. Tears have stopped at least. My mind is racing, but my body is a dead weight. Its beyond lethargic. I cant move! I want to move, believe me this is not just standard laziness. My body has no more care.
My eyes close. The plain black, the abyss it seems a more comforting image then starting at the wall. I start to realise how much effort it takes just to breathe!
"in & out. In & out." it feels like its taking all my energy just to keep my body breathing. Its a shallow, slow, relaxing type of breathing. It should come naturally but it feels like a chore, like a command. Like my body is just shutting down.
It just doesn't care...
My conscious it screaming, threats of 'useless', 'pathetic', curses but it cant win the rest of the mind is too depressed if anything it's feeding on my frustration & hopelessness.
A long yawn comes. My body is putting itself to sleep, its the closest to death it can achieve where it is.
Just blackout. Sweet dreams or nightmares it doesn't care. It just doesn't want to be here anymore.
I cant tell you the amount of times this has won, i am truly that weak - i will wake up bours later in the same half curled position barely remembering how it happened. Only to tuck myself into bed and go back to sleep. I have no energy to fight anymore. i just sleep & sleep & sleep...
The only reason it didn't happen tonight is some bratty kids started screaming & cussing outside my window which jolted my body like a lightning bolt! It was up in a snap, windows closed to block the noise, then finally the door! (oh yeah, the door was what started this?) then its back to sitting on my bed, back to the laptop. Maybe some science youtube videos will be good? Make me focus on something.
I know this is bad, i know its unhealthy, and i know it has to stop.
But when you feel just so overwhelmingly depressed all your efforts seems to evaporate. I'm not mentally strong enough to deal with myself when i get like this... i just ride it out & hope to find a exit back into control...
I keep saying next time i wont let myself get to this stage again... i guess i should just be thankful i still have a 'next time.'
