When Realities Clash

So basically since arriving back in London from my weeks visit in Bergen, Norway at the end of August, I've kinda fallen into a spiral of self loathing and self pity, which has recently fueled my hate and disgust with today's society and the fears of the future generation taking control...

I've stopped drinking [which is a good thing] But I'm eating more, and not healthy food, i tried so hard to lose weight, and even lost a little with all the walking i did in Norway, but I've put on now more then i lost, and as much as i may cry about it i cant seem to get myself into action and do something about it!
I've also stopped clubbing and other social activities; bar a few gigs here and there, which most end badly [you can read about that HERE]
i cant remember the last time I've been out with my friends, but my mind is swarming with so much self pity i don't even seem to miss them, and when i do think of them i feel guilty for abandoning them...which just makes me feel worse.

I'm escaping into books and films anything that can make me forget what a failure my current situation seems to be, in my eyes and also my blood relatives [but i knew they lost all respect for me along time ago, i guess I'm living up to their expectations of me?]

I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me [if their is actually anything wrong] so i can and go about my life...smiling

The conclusion I've seem to come up with is the fact that i don't 'live in reality' so to speak, i have this little 'dream life' i keep living out in my head, and its not real and instead of accepting it as a nice daydream i just resent the 'real world' for not being what i want it to be, and its my fault its not my dreamworld! i keep walking down paths blindfolded then curse when i stumble and fall lost in some forest, I'm at the point where i want to say fuck off to life experience and just snap into my little perfect world and have that! i mean why cant i?
i had opportunities to try and get it and i just turn my back on them! it's true we are our own worst enemies! and it's really starting to get to me!
i want the life i believe i deserve, but i want someone too hand it too me on a fucking silver platter! it's pathetic! and you thought I'd wake up by now, realise I'm being an idiot, accept the life i have and change it at a pace that wont crash and burn?
writing it makes it seem so simple IT IS SO SIMPLE!! and yet...here i am moping and crying, hating...hopeless hate, and I'm getting nowhere and i fear its getting worse, and i pray when i wake each morning something would eventually click and the world will restore its colour, and I'll do something, i will become what i want to be, but nothing changes, false hope, i really just don't know, and i fear i just don't seem to care anymore...

Am I Scared?
i am scared to fail, the the more i reach for my dream the more unattainable it will become, I'm scared of entering this real world, of growing up and actually doing something with my life!
i want it, but am i ready? but I'm not getting any younger?
am i enough? but how can i be more then what i am?
circling, a cruel cycle, round and round, too much in my mind! too much potential? or just too many wild dreams to comfort me when i should be challenging me!
i feel I'm at the end of my rope...i feel the time has come for something to happen, yet i feel like I'm still not going to do anything, or anything right.

conflicting selves! my realities are clashing into each other and i don't know how to have them both, i cant continue on like this... I CANT


But don't worry, I'd never kill myself, for the small hope that one day i WILL wake up smiling at a world I've never loved so much...

SURTUR RISING: Europe Autumn Tour 2011

Amon Amarth, As I Lay Dying and Septic Flesh.
HMV Forum. 23rd October


If someone had told me that Amon Amarth, As I Lay Dying and Septic Flesh were all on the same bill I would have thought they were telling me first announcements of some festival, but no – one stage, one night, one show!

Luckily I was able to get tickets on the door, judging by the line the show looked a sell-out! Having to walk around the block to find the end of the queue, I can’t remember the last time I had actually been in a line for a band!
The security did have their act together and did get us all in post-haste.

Unfortunately I still ended up missing half of SEPTIC FLESH’s insanely short set. I am glad I’ve seen them live before, though I was amazed at how many people hadn’t heard of them, but with their usual solid show I do hope they won over some new fans in the crowd and therefore will be able to come back to the UK, maybe with a more genre-like line-up.


Personally I had no interest in seeing AS I LAY DYING. I saw them back in Australia in 2008, but don’t really remember much of their set, if that is anything to judge by, I’ve however moved away from their style of music.
But like all bands who have made it up on stage, I stay to show respect, and actually enjoyed myself.
One has to admit the band does put on an energetic set, they could tell the crowd wasn’t feeling them, but they soldiered on.
I believe if they had played with bands such as PARKWAY DRIVE, they would have brought the house down; they would have had a crowd of fans actually wanting to hear them and mosh to death with them!
Watching them was a little trip down memory lane; a wall of death, crowd surfing, it was like being back in Australia, I’ve always preferred headbanging to moshing though.
Apart from the crowd, the band had to battle against bad sound, for the whole set sounded like a drum and vocal duo.
But they made it to the end of their set, and we did give them a hearty send off at least.


Waiting for the headliner can be an awful ordeal, but to have the crowd screaming alone to Master Of Puppets while it played over the speakers certainly was some light entertainment to pass the time, bringing us all together like a big drunken family.

The time finally came, the lights went out, the crowd roared, and the well awaited Viking gods AMON AMARTH blasted onto stage, wave on wave of pure Scandinavian metal crashing onto us til the very end.
I first saw Amon Amarth back in Melbourne in 2009, a fierce set of undeniable talent in which I headbanged and screamed my soul away, all while being bathed in more beer then I’ve ever actually consumed.
So we can say Amon Amarth had a lot to live up to in my eyes. But these Swedish boys didn’t falter; they destroyed my expectations, setting themselves a new precedent that only they would be able to smash given a larger venue and better sound.
As usual, I seem to be the “lucky” one who ends up near drunken, unnecessarily rude people in the pit, but I wouldn’t let them ruin this night for me! As I ignored all and just let Amon Amarth steal me away to Valhalla! Hair flying, screams deafening, people surging, pure energetic bliss.
The moment of the end was too fast approaching, and as we screamed and chanted for just a little more we were greeted with the final songs to send us on our way till next time.
I wished I had seen them on the ‘With Oden On Our Side’ tour, for although I do really enjoy the last two albums, It cant beat the one that got me into them, and which I feel they never play enough of live…



Photos are bad to put it lightly, but in a Amon Amarth pit it’s a little hard to keep still for a second to snap, but then again while would you want to keep still?

Losing patience with life…

Nearly smashed a guy to death tonight, I have claw marks on my wrists from having to restrain to myself.
I have never felt such hopeless rage before! And now that’s its subsided all I feel is hopeless despair!
I cant believe someone has reduced me to such a horrible state, but I know it’s just not one person, they just happened to be the last straw; I’m cracking I can feel it! It’s as if I’m on a tightrope balancing between suicide and murder! Call me dramatic but I feel so high-strung I really don’t know what I might do!
London’s killing me, and I don’t know what I’ve done that’s so bad that I have to keep on being punished, being perused by the filth and scum of the populace!
I can’t go out without my life personally being affected by some disrespectful poor excuse for a human being! Whether they are breaking common law, or just social law, they keep on interfering with my everyday activities: I cant go clubbing, I cant go to a gig, I cant even travel to or from work without witnessing or being caught up in the filth of the humanity! It seems to follow me.
Every time I go out to have a fun to, to just relax someone comes along and destroys it, all I see is the dirty, the bad, the filth, the complete lack of respect for this world, society and people in general.
I’m so fucking sick of it! I rather just not go out then risk a night being needlessly wrecked.
I know it shouldn’t bother me, and I should just ignore them and enjoy my night, but I cant, I cant just pretend this world is some lovely place any more, I’ve seen too much to contradict the view!
It’s beyond me to why people are so sick, why people just don’t care anymore.
It’s simple things, small things to follow; like don’t smoke on a underground or bus, don’t unnecessarily trip someone over as they headbang to a band because you want to be the one standing behind your girlfriend [who had shamelessly pushed her way to that spot in the first place!]
Don’t yell at a band on stage to “hurry up” just because you didn’t come to see them! Don’t cut ques because you came late.
Or in my case of work, customer just dumping items they don’t want anywhere and then having a go at me because I cant find a film for them that someone else has most likely thrown somewhere instead of just handing it into the till!
I could go on but I’ll stop at just the things I’ve seen the last couple of days. It’s unbelievable little petty things, stupid thing, and yet so many people are walking around expecting you to treat them right when they go and shit all over your rights!
London is becoming unliveable! Just look at the stupidity of the riots!
I really can’t deal with it anymore, I use to turn away, but it’s happening too much for me not to take notice and offence!
I don’t know what to do, I feel like I can’t do anything!
These people are sick, and it’s only getting worse, I don’t blame the older generations for looking down on us, they one day have to hand over the running of the world to us, and it’s not like we have a good track record of showing we actually deserve this place!
I’m ranting in circles, I cant express, I cant even comprehend what this world has become, I’ve finally lost faith in a world I loved so much, and I don’t know how to get my world back!
-Breathes out- I don’t know what else to say, So Sleep? What is it they say? Tomorrow is always another day…

JANE AUSTEN'S EMMA - A Creative Response.

In my year 12 Literature class one of the assignments had an option to do a creative response to Jane Austen's EMMA, i choose to do a passage [from chapter 45] focusing on Miss Bates. Apart from my slightly poor grammar [which i always struggle with] i think i did a pretty good job!
Only taken me two years to find the work as i was clearing out one of my USBs. The words in italics are actually from the novel EMMA .
Read if you wish please, and feel free to tell me how you think i went, i only respect 100% honest remarks...

The following morning Emma wrote again to Mrs. Bates’ house to say in the most feeling language she could command that she would call for her in the carriage at any hour that Jane would name…

Miss Bates marvelled at the note, “Such a beautiful note. My dear Jane, will you not read it – here I shall read it for you – oh dear Miss Woodhouse – such a lovely, lovely young lady – oh she writes so elegantly – I’ve said, I’ve always loved her hand – dear, it’s as elegant as yours – yes, yes the message – she has spoken to Mr. Perry you know – such a fine gentleman, always looks after you so well. Even Mr. Perry agrees with Miss Woodhouse, no he encourages Miss Woodhouse to take you out for some air – in the courage – oh how delightful! – Miss Woodhouse always so kind – and Mr. Perry such a smart man – oh Jane why do you look so grave? The air will do you well – such wonderful neighbours, such old friends.”
Miss Bates takes a breath to allow Jane to answer; her words are warm to her aunt, not so kind to the note.
“Ma’am how kind of you to read the note for me, but I most contest to the very end, I am but far to ill to even consider an airing in Miss Woodhouse’s carriage, I feel –“
Miss Bates needing no more being said from Jane continued,
“Oh goodness, yes – yes very ill indeed – worse then before even. Oh this is no good! Go for an airing! Oh what was I thinking to even consider such a thing! – yes Jane you are quite right, far, far to ill – yes lie down you must – a nice rest will do you far better then an airing. I shall ensure the note is replied to.”

A note was hastily returned to Hartfield
“Miss Fairfax’s compliments and thanks, but is quite unequal of any exercise”
Emma felt that her own note had deserved something better. As it was impossible to quarrel with words, Emma sent for the carriages ‘surely Miss Fairfax cannot contest to me arriving with the carriage’ and at once Emma made her way to Mrs Bates’.

The view of Emma arriving in the carriage was seen first by Jane who had been pottering around her room – she looked on in shock and distress as the carriage stopped ‘oh what to do!’
Before Emma’s arrival could be announced Jane dashed out her room to plea with Miss Bates. Working herself up into a frantic state, quite unnatural, very unreserved.
“Ma’am, dear ma’am have you not seen! Miss Woodhouse here, with her carriage – this very moment, waiting.”
Miss Bates smile showed little did she understand Jane’s worries.
“Yes, I saw it as it was passing the widow here – I was sitting with Mrs. Bates telling her about the note – she loved to hear a well written note – ‘here mother, listen to Miss Woodhouse’s note’ I said – just as I finished telling her – as you know things need to be repeated –who shall we see, dear Miss Woodhouse herself, coming to visit us. I say ‘well mother how about that, a lovely note and a soon to be lovely visit’ what a fine day this had turned to be”
Someone came to announce Miss Woodhouse’s arrival. Jane rather quick of the mind was staring to sway on her feet, just enough to catch the attentions of the room.
She spoke before Miss Bates had a chance to begin,
“I feel faint! I must rest, the headaches have returned more forceful then before. An airing! No, never would I subject myself to such a thing in my current state. No, I feel much worse at the mere thought. Rest is what I will do,” grabbing Miss Bates’ hand, “Please ma’am will you not tell dear Miss Woodhouse that I must not got out, I am far to weak, no I must not see her, far to ill, to rest I shall go at once.”
With the shortest reply from Miss bates she quickly went to inform Miss Woodhouse of the news ‘Poor dear Jane could not bear to see anybody.’
Mrs Bates none the wiser sat contently with a very anxious Miss Fairfax until Miss Bates happily returned to inform Miss Woodhouse had been sent away.

But the ordeal was not yet finished. Miss Woodhouse was set on helping Miss Fairfax. And some arrow-root of very superior quality attached with a friendly note was sent back to Mrs Bates.
“Will she never resign!” Jane exclaimed to herself before composing her reserve to address he aunt.
“Arrow-root, Jane. Dear Miss Woodhouse sent over some arrow-root and such superior quality, arrow-root such an agreeable gift, do you not agree? – Such friendly agreeable neighbours – ‘the best neighbours’ one could wish for’ I say, don’t I always say that mother? – indeed I mentioned to Miss Woodhouse you hardly eat – quite worried she is – so she sent over the arrow-root to help you – dear Jane she is as worried as us – we all worry, you eat so little – and our good neighbours – sending such quality arrow-root, Jane will not you be tempted to entreat yourself. It will do you good.”
“Yes quite agreeable arrow-root indeed,” Jane replied coldly, “very superior. But I most refuse. I rather can not eat, can not even as little as try such a thing. No I protest! Such a kind, very charming gift from Miss Woodhouse but I must refuse, I have no appetite, none at all.”
“But my dear, really, such superior arrow-root, not even a bite – you hardly eat anything – breakfast not even half completed – arrow-root will do you some good – will be most agreeable with you.”
Jane was determine however, she refused to even the smallest of tastings and furthermore insisted, ordered it to be returned to Miss Woodhouse without delay. It was attached with a thousand thanks from Miss Bates, but “Dear Jane would not be satisfied without its being sent back, it was a thing she could not take – and moreover, she insisted on her saying that she was not at all in want of anything.”

Miss Fairfax sighed with a great relief if the ordeal being dealt with and passed; her illness however was far from over
“Dear ma’am,” Jane exclaimed speedily reaching for her coat, “I do believe I shall now take Mr Perry’s fine advice and entreat myself to a brisk stroll around the distant meadows – if there is no objection of course.”
Miss Bates more then happy to see Jane looking so alive could do no more then heartedly approve.
“Yes my dear, yes such a splendid idea you have – fine very fine advice from Mr Perry. And now how much better you look now at just the proposal! Yes it would have been wrong timing to have left with Miss Woodhouse – ill very indeed you looked – no I am happy most happy you didn’t leave with Miss Woodhouse – her heart was right – but not her timing – the weather is much more agreeable at present – will do you good my dear – pray be careful, rug up warm for the chill is still present – yes, yes of course you will – such a clever, sensible girl you are, I am always telling mother ‘dear Jane is so clever and quite the sensible type’ am I not telling you that mother? – oh sorry dear – yes, yes you must be off. Not to delay at all! The weather’s at its finest. It will do you well!”
An elegant nod was sufficient enough as a reply and Jane hastily took leave to escape the stuffy confines of her dearest house.

In the vast meadows Miss Fairfax was able to calmly think and digests her current situation – an engagement to Mrs Smallridge, the thought itself could reduce one to such a frail state. “Oh dear Miss Woodhouse” thought Jane “Oh how dear indeed” a hostility in her voice quite unheard of to her. “Mr Frank Churchill” a blush against her will rose to her cheeks at the very thought. “My heart so fall of ill by people I use to think so dear.”

The very scene of Miss Fairfax’s stroll reached the ear of Miss Woodhouse giving Emma no doubt – putting everything together – that Jane was resolved to receive no kindness from here.

as you can tell i do miss studying! counting down the days until i can afford Uni.

Heidenfest 2011

Skálmöld, TrollfesT, Alestorm, Finntroll, Turisas.
HMV Forum. London 11th October 2011.

Unfortunately Akrona had to cancel last minute due to being unable to get into the country, or as Alestorm facebook announced;

"London Englandshire tonight! Unfortunately Arkona drowned at sea and won't be playing tonight."

Nonetheless the rest of a solid line up blasted on to a very packed venue of metallers from wee teens [some looked too young to handle the pit] to veterans of the genre!



Iceland's SKÁLMÖLD kicked the night into action with an intense blend of melodic viking metal, reducing the crowd to a mass of moshing violence!
Although i hadn't heard of them before, their music style isn't anything new, very enjoyable, especially for fans of viking/folk metal, and a very entertaining live show! i definitely needed a drink after the pit.



Norway's TrollfesT hit the stage next, viking metal with a giggle or two attached.
A band i can never seem to take seriously, unfortunately they did not live up to the standard Skálmöld placed. They entertained for sure, a nice pit breaking out for the majority of their set, and a wicked sax solo, had the crowd barking; literally! they fitted the bill to the T at least.


Boozed-fueled, Pirates ALESTORM commandeered the stage next, and if you didn't already know Turisas was the headliners you would have thought these lads were the show! And what a show these lads put on! With their usual zazz and energy they turned the crowd into a drunkard sea of dancing, signing pirates! But they do it so well. Alestorm to me are just a bit of fun, they live up to their expectations and gimmicks which i guess is all you can really ask from a band. There live show is electric, they have the crowd sweating like wrenches!
Personally my favourite part of their set was when Vreth from Finntroll came on stage to do guest vocals, well growls for the song "Death Throes Of The Terrorsquid". But one can not think Alestorm without one song...and drink coming to mind! yep 'Captain Morgan's Revenge' was the well hailed song of the set, with all crowd screaming, drinking and dancing along with it!




Finnish gods FINNTROLL blasted on to the stage, to be honest the only band i had come out to see that night, unfortunately the crowd didn't show them the respect they deserved, but i you can read my little rant about that HERE.
Finntroll put on, as usual a solid set of a dark blend of black and folk metal! The crowds reaction was a little tame compared to the reactions of the previous band, i still enjoyed them, and felt they did suffer from lack of crowd support. I just remember back to when i saw them at the INFERNO METAL FESTIVAL in Oslo, Norway in 2010 how amazing the show and atmosphere was. I pity the crowds ungrateful kid attitude they missed the experience of a band of outstanding quality.



Finland's TURISAS took us into the final battle of the night! With all their fellow warriors [decked out in war paint and furs] pushed their way through to center pit, preparing for the war that only Turisas can bring to style.
I was still upset at the careless lack of respect London's society seems to have inhabited, and therefore stood back from the pit, to just be a casual observer of the impending metal assault.
If you can only say one thing about Turisas it would have to be that this band can put on a bloody show!!
For me it was a rather surreal experience to step back from a band and just watch [well OK i did headbanging a rather lot, you cant not join in to Turisas' war cry]
The whole audience was captivated by Turisas, as they blasted away solid song after solid song, with some crowd taunting thrown in by Warlord Nygård just to keep as all as one!


And back in high spirits HEIDENFEST came to a close, the pirates, the warriors and trolls all together a family in metal...fighting each other for the cloakroom.

When words fail...

Images must prevail. [because i'm not musically talented]

I'm have so much on my mind, but every time i try to write them down, nothing comes, or well nothing comes that make sense, but i NEED to write something, i need to clear my mind, if only a little before i sleep...
and i got this idea, picture...photos, that will have to work for now, like the say 'one picture is worth a thousand words' and being all reflective tonight, i've found an image or two that might help me to put my muddled mind together.

The main thing that keeps going through my head, has finally been put into words by an amazing book i read, i may not have the solution to the problem, but at least i now have a name for it...


But how can i think when this world wont stop nagging me. i just want peace, to have everyone fuck off, just for a little, i'm sick of everything at the moment. it's petty! petty drama by petty people.


It's Escape that i really aim for, i think i've become obsessed with it, this life isn't for me, i feel the life i want and deserve is just outside these walls i seem to be stuck behind.
so i escape into my own world...but my own world does exist there are tress, and water, even people, the events in my head may never happen, but i will make it to the location. It whispers it's name... Norway


I've tried to clear my mind, now to hope sleep comes to mend the mind, and brace it for tomorrow...

Tears for who...?

"Those that we admired
All stood their grounds and cried"
'Better Off Alone' - Grinspoon

Every time i hear these lyrics it stops me.
They are such true words, and they always make me think; i agree with the lyrics, i admire people who are "strong" enough to break down and show their "weakness" to all, as much sense as that makes, but it does make me wonder about my life...and how i relate to situations.

I find it odd, that i can cry in public, and believe me i have, i have truly broken down in public, to a stranger [well police officer, but still] and yet, no matter how horrible it is, i cant bring myself to crying in front of family of friends, showing them that no, I'm not strong, no i cant do this, yes i do need help!
But i guess it was my upbringing, my parents taught me and my sister [subconsciously or not] that we shouldn't exert major emotions in public [yes my own home was considered "public"] so i would put on a smile, or a glare where ever i went, and in the confines of my room I'd blast something loud and let it all out, a good cry, a good tantrum, but to do it alone, does it solve anything? you get a physical release, but the problem remains long after the tears dry,

As i got older this "issue" stayed with me, i could easily yell and scream at anyone, known to me or not, but never tears, never pain.
But sometimes the emotions, the situation becomes too over whelming, and you cant keep it in... [without going into too much detail, as i still don't like to think about it] i was a "victim" of a "flat con" when i first tried to move to London, the embarrassment, the hopelessness you feel i wouldn't even wish on an enemy! too look and being able to see all the signs there and to still go ahead with it, must have been the lowest point in my life that i can think of.
And as the penny dropped on the situation the whole of me crashed down with it. Going to the police and having to utter "i think I've been conned" was all the strength i had left, to try and sit through an interview going over what happened when all you can think about is trying to stop the tears, trying to control you breathing back to normal, i don't think I've ever cried so much in front of someone, and really bless the police officers who patiently sat there with a tissue ready at hand.
But when i finally left the station [luckily my uncle in London let me stay with him for a while] and got to my uncles i couldn't cry, i flatly told him what happened, thanked him for letting me stay with him, but could not cry in his presence [maybe it was disgust and disappointment i could feel in his eyes that made me hold it together?] but once in the spare room alone, again i broke down...i spent a lot of that week crying, as i was coming to terms with what had happened [the job i had lined up also fell through, the guy i really liked turned out to be another 'lying to get in my pants' kinda guy, my father started trying to contact me again] so yeah, i had a lot in my head i was musing over but i could never release any of these pent up feelings in the eyes of friends or family. i could be sitting by the River Thames [it was my favourite place to go to think] and the tears would start to flow, or I'd be waiting for a train back to my uncles, and just break down watching the rest of London moving through their life...
But no matter if i met friends n told them what happened, or i faced the music and was sent back to my nans in Bristol to try again for London, i just could show them my emotion, i guess they thought i hadn't taken what happened seriously, but i had really i had! but to cry in front of a loved one, or a family member is just not in me, even all the petty dramas that have occurred since still hide their tears till I'm alone, or at least away from people i know...

I do however feel a little liberated to cry in public, it gives me more relief to cry while waiting for a bus then it does to cry in my room, so isolated, its like if i cant bring myself to seek comfort from a friend at least i can seek comfort from the world as a whole, which is why i like rain so much...like i once blogged that you can read here...

I know 'one day' I'll feel comfortable enough to be able to cry in the face of some one and be able to look them in the eyes again, but i cant at the moment...so like always i respect the people that live in ways i want to live, if only the action is as simple as showing the world you will not hide away your pain...

Although I've always had trouble with asking for help, my closest and dearest always seem to know...Comfort doesn't always have to be in human presence

Reflections at Night

Why is it always at night that one finds themselves most reflective?
I guess when you can't sleep, and you can't afford to go out...with the rest of your world closed for their night what else can you do but reflect, on life?

Especially starting this blog again and seeing all my old posts really puts my in a nostalgic mood...

And what you all want to hear, or well what you will hear...MY REFLECTIONS!
my life is very unfulfilling...if i just look from when i last posted [May 2010] to now...what have i achieved?
I live on my own in London...yes this the biggest thing I've ever done in my life, i still wake up now [just a year on now] and I'm speechless at the fact I'm in London! I'm from Melbourne, Australia the idea of living in London was too obscure to even be a dream of mine, London was the place you saw "In The Pictures" i could never grasp the fact it was real, and yet here i am, the biggest snap decision in my life, the biggest detour to my goal of living in Norway, and yeah some days all i feel is hopeless, going nowhere, i work a dead end job, i STILL haven't seen EUROPE, i still have a constant cloud of depression over my head, i still eat badly, drink badly and have insane intimacy issues, but hey I LIVE IN LONDON! i have achieved! i have...i can budget [kind of, well i was able to afford a trip to Bergen, Norway].
i guess i can't be upset with all the "life lessons" i am getting here...

?London's Rainbow...but where's my gold


I guess it's like all things, if one bad thing happens it reminds you of ALL the other bad things instead of all the good things!
yeah I'll admit it, I've fallen for a guy [well two] since moving here, and yes both turned out to be not worth my emotions, though the one most recently is really getting to me! [but that's a rant for another time...]
but instead of seeing all my supportive "family of freaks" i have here, all i feel is betrayed and isolated...MISS NEGATIVITY I AM!

Anyway to try and stay on track, you can say i have achieved, that I'm young and living life, but still i feel like I've done nothing, that my life is meaningless, don't get me wrong...its FUN! really good laughs, and dancing, and a little traveling and sight seeing, but i don't feel like I'm doing anything for this world, for my life as a whole!
The main reason, the only real reason i can think of, and a reason that's always stuck in the back of my head; it's because I'm not studying! I'm not furthering my education, I'm not preparing myself for a more dignified and challenging job! I'm not using my full potential!
I know i can't studying here, but the wait is killing me, as i wait the fee's are just rising! the placements are becoming smaller, but what else can i do , i don't have the choice in the matter, i can't afford international fees! but i fear when i finally become a "home student" i wont be able to afford those fees either...it stress me, i feel like i belong in the education system!
Everyone my age gets to study. Though on the flip side, i am glad I've taken some time off, its helped mature me, and helped me decide what i really want to study, i don't know, my mind really is racing everywhere tonight...self-reflections aren't good for me!

But I'm lucky, yes i have an over dramatic personality...but i always bounce back smiling, always smiling...that's the most important thing to me!
its why i moved to the other side of the world, its why i get myself up every day...always chasing a smile...

I carry my smile on my arm, in case my face forgets...

Blame It On Tumblr...

Tumblr, the essence of quick, easy and pointless blogging. Add very good user interface on an iphone and you have the perfect "excuse" to why i have neglected this site so much.
But i'm sorry...i am back! there are too many thought smashing through my mind, and dear Tumblr is not adequate for the job.
So now with a working laptop again i now have an outlet for all my "serious thoughts".
Which will all be revealed in due cause, this is just a short notice to say...WATCH THIS BLOG!
Good Night and see you soon

HOWEVER! FEEL FREE TO VISIT MY TUMBLR BLOG AS WELL:
616=13?