Good-Bye 2014...

I keep fighting with myself about writing a big 'year in review' but ultimately I've decided I had too.

Storms at least look beautiful

I had such a positive outlook starting 2014... and then my little world went to hell.

I let my depression get the better of me this year, for the first time I actually felt like I could not cope with it... I was feared into an almost paralysis... which didn't help me fix the dire living / work situation I was in. - Granted It did stop me killing myself because I had no energy to embark on such an act.

It's only been in the last month that I've felt somewhat more in control of myself, of my mind. I am slowly crawling back out of the abyss... I don't honestly believe I'll ever leave it, but I want to at least be back on a ledge where I can glimpse the sun.

My brother in headbanging

I will say, I honestly don't think I would have made it though this year without some truly understanding and supportive friends. Daryl, Thomas, Leon, Roo & Cristina... I thank you.
They didn't harass me when I said I could not go out, that I literally could not get myself out of bed.
They were always there to listen to me when I felt I needed to rant, to scream, to cry - even if I would only be able to 'bitch & moan' about petty issues.
When I was with them they always conveyed such positivity and energy that I was able to greedily feed upon.

So many times I've wanted to fly away

Photography has also been a huge help this year. I have always loved it, but starting to understand it more and having a friend who love it just as much as really been good. Photography calms me, it makes me forget the reality I am in and enables me to capture a new reality around me.






And of course music... There has luckily been such an overwhelming amount of amazing music I have discovered this year, and still so many I havn't had time to listen too.

I shall only list a few albums that have been on repeat this year for me;

FINNTROLL 04/10/14 London

 - BEHEMOTH - THE SATANIST 

 - FORN - THE DEPARTURE OF CONSCIOUSNESS 

 - AND END... - BETWEEN LIGHT AND LIES [not released this year, but I discovered it this year & fell in love]
 - MUSK OX - WOODFALL 

 - KRIEGSMASCHINE - ENEMY OF MAN

 and  

 - PREMATURE BIRTH - A CEREMONY OF POWER

Live Music is a saviour for me, It helps keep me alive. I have gone to countless gigs this year [and did manage a few outside of London & England], the tops ones were;

- 21/02 FINNTROLL / BELPHEGOR in Gothenburg

NECROS CHRISTOS 18/04/14 Oslo

- 18/04 Einar Selvik (not really a gig as was more a talk with some acoustic songs, but still the best musical experience of the year!) in Oslo

- 18/05 Henryk Górecki's Symphony No. 3 (performed by the BBC Concert Orchestra & Jessica Rivera) in London

- 14/07 NECROS CHRISTOS in London

- 20/09 CARCASS in Dublin

- 13/12 BEHEMOTH./ GRAND MAGUS in Manchester.

The amount of times I honestly felt happy this year could be counted on my fingers. But I really do like to consider myself an optimist and I am looking forward to 2015.
I have a few goals to work towards that should help me keep believing that life will get happier for me. I KNOW I am stronger than the monsters within... I just have to stop forgetting that =)

It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life... for me.