A Surreal Walk

 I went for an afternoon walk, an exercise of body & mind.

There is NEVER just ONE path.

Thought I'd cross through the fields on my way home. as usual I got lost.
The green fields had mostly turned yellow in the  sun, with spurts of purple flowers here & there.
I knew roughly my exit was a diagonal cut across, so that's what I attempted.
There's a lot of football pitches in the fields & clumps of trees & bushes... and the rest is unattended grass & reeds with countless small walking trails cutting through everywhere, criss-crossing themselves.
So I took one path, then swapped to another & so on was my tactic, I was in no rush.
The further I trekked the more I realised just how unkempt the grass has become.. for the most part it was taller then me... it felt like I was walking through a dry sea [the Dothraki Sea anyone?], That in itself was really quite surreal, everywhere I looked was this tall yellowing grass & in the distance trees & purple flowers, i felt isolated but in a good way.
Then out of nowhere this cute little puppy runs past, a distant voice started calling 'Hector, come back Hector' he wasn't listening, he was in his own little world as well. - Hi Hector.
I looked to the greying sky to see a flying creature of rippling crimson, orange & yellow, flying fire... too big & colourful for a local bird; A dragon was my first excited thought - where had my sense gone?!!? I slowly started to walk towards it.. it was a kite of course, but the knowledge didn't stop the magic.

How many colours do you REALLY see?

I was coming to another crossroads, with a flat field to one side. on the edge of the filed a broken tree lay, contrasting grey in amongst the green & yellow... an old couple was sitting on the tree.. they were eating cup cakes, laughing as only i thought young lovers could.
I watched them awhile. I knew it was intruding but I don't think they minded.. they were being, well human, showing me, well what humans do... 
Eventually I come to the edge & a road, a lot further down from my usual exit but alas it was an end nonetheless... as soon as I stepped on the asphalt I was back in East London...
I make a habit never too look back, but I know what I saw was real & yet how I saw it maybe not...

It's not about how the world sees you, It's about how YOU see the world...

** Note photos used where not from said walk, but others in different times & places.

This Just Happened.

    Depression is also a physical illness.

I don't feel whole anymore.

Its not something i can easily explain, but i feel the need to try.
So this is how it went.
I'm just sitting on my bed, scrolling through social networks, scrolling, scrolling, not really taking it in, not really doing anything, hours wasting by of pure nothingness. Why? I cant tell you why i do this. I honestly cant.
I turn to the right & see i've in fact left my bedroom door partly open.. How many hours ago? I should close that. I then roll over to my left side to fall on my stack of pillows.
Tears are streaming down my face - when did they start? What am i sad about? I don't feel so terribly sad? I don't really know what i feel, its like my emotions are a closed off room.
I tell myself 'ok we need to to get up & close the door.' ok, comes the answer.
My body doesn't move.
'No seriously! Why are we even lying like this?! Actually why have we done nothing all evening!? You cant be tired! Get up! 5 steps to the door if that & you'll be back again!' yeah this is true! Sorry silly me.
Body still doesn't move. Tears have stopped at least. My mind is racing, but my body is a dead weight. Its beyond lethargic. I cant move! I want to move, believe me this is not just standard laziness. My body has no more care.

My eyes close. The plain black, the abyss it seems a more comforting image then starting at the wall. I start to realise how much effort it takes just to breathe!
"in & out. In & out." it feels like its taking all my energy just to keep my body breathing. Its a shallow, slow, relaxing type of breathing. It should come naturally but it feels like a chore, like a command. Like my body is just shutting down.
It just doesn't care...
My conscious it screaming, threats of 'useless', 'pathetic', curses but it cant win the rest of the mind is too depressed if anything it's feeding on my frustration & hopelessness.
A long yawn comes. My body is putting itself to sleep, its the closest to death it can achieve where it is.
Just blackout. Sweet dreams or nightmares it doesn't care. It just doesn't want to be here anymore.
I cant tell you the amount of times this has won, i am truly that weak - i will wake up bours later in the same half curled position barely remembering how it happened. Only to tuck myself into bed and go back to sleep. I have no energy to fight anymore. i just sleep & sleep & sleep...

The only reason it didn't happen tonight is some bratty kids started screaming & cussing outside my window which jolted my body like a lightning bolt! It was up in a snap, windows closed to block the noise, then finally the door! (oh yeah, the door was what started this?) then its back to sitting on my bed, back to the laptop. Maybe some science youtube videos will be good? Make me focus on something.

I know this is bad, i know its unhealthy, and i know it has to stop.
But when you feel just so overwhelmingly depressed all your efforts seems to evaporate. I'm not mentally strong enough to deal with myself when i get like this... i just ride it out & hope to find a exit back into control...
I keep saying next time i wont let myself get to this stage again... i guess i should just be thankful i still have a 'next time.'

CELEBRATING 5 INFERNO METAL FESTIVAL'S

Anyone who's known me more then 5 minutes will know i am 'slightly' obsessed with Inferno Metal Festival.
To keep it short, i discovered the festival when i was about 16 [i decided then i would go when i turned 18, as it has an 18 age limit] and it really was the only thing keeping me going through those years, everytime i wanted to kill myself i'd just say 'but you havn't gone to Inferno yet! wait until you've at least gone there.' it gave me something to cling to when i was too mentally fragile to help myself.

Helvete Basement 2014

And Inferno 2009 finally came around & it was brilliant, it was my first time abroad alone, my first metal festival. my first time in Norway. It was such a great experience, i saw so many amazing bands i would never had a chance to see in Australia, i met some amazing people & got to visit some landmark sights in regard to Black Metal history [such as the Helvete Basement & Holmenkollen Chapel] I discovered another world, a world i felt i belonged too! it was home..

Inferno 2010

I came back to Australia, and told my mother 'next year i am going back to Inferno, & then i am moving to England! [Dual-Citizenship has its advantages! hehe]
So I went again to Inferno in 2010, and again it was brilliant & i met more amazing people, and also a notable experience, i got to see Wardruna play at Vikingskipshuset. (Viking Ship Museum), which was completely incredible!And then i did as i said, i moved to England, I wanted to start my life over, maybe then i'd enjoy being alive...

In late 2010 i moved from living with my gran in Bristol to moving on my own to London, so sadly Inferno 2011 was unattainable to me [I did how ever manage to go to Hole In The Sky - The Last Supper in Bergen, so i got my yearly Norwegian metal fix - & found the city i hope to one day live].

Bergen 2011

I was back again at Inferno 2012, meeting up with now old friends & of course making new ones! This was also the first Inferno which i drank at [& got FUCKING WASTED!] which resulted in missing a lot of bands i really wanted to see, and some very bloody & sore knees. lesson learnt, i dont need booze at Inferno its fun enough as it is!

For Inferno 2013 my mind was sadly not in the best place thanks to personal issues back in London, but friends & some amazing bands helped me keep my spirits up! was also the first year i decided to got to a different venue for the club night, so i got to see more of Oslo & what it had to offer in different venues!

Dimmu Borgir 2014

AND THIS YEAR! Inferno 2014, my 5th one! & also the first one which i stayed at the official hotel for & also decided to take an interest in the IMC [wish i had earlier]. Most of the bands this year were sweet & met some really awesome people, but it was actually the events out side the gigs that made this year!!
I went on a Fjord Cruise in which Church of Misery played!

Wardruna at Vikingskipshuset 2010

I  saw Einar Selvik demonstrate a selection of the oldest Nordic instruments & play some fully acoustic Wardruna music & speak about his interest in Norse Mythology/history, his relationship with Runes & the part it plays in the creative & recording process.
Wardruna are one of my favourite bands [since first discovering them at Inferno 2010] Their music is so powerful, it stirs within you images & emotions nothing else can bring out! and seeing Einar Selvik perform so casually & intimately was beyond words, i am not ashamed to say i teared up when he begun to play...
And if that wasnt enough i also went to hear Neckrobutcher speak about 30years of Mayhem, which was a lovely mix of serious & hilarious!
Also went back to the Helvete basement, which i am now very glad to see is Noseblod records! 

Best bands of INFERNO

- 2009 -  Carpathian Forest, Kampfar, Koldbrann, Swallow The Sun, Samael, Vreid, Helheim.

- 2010 - Kovenant, Taake, Finntroll, Ihsahn, Wardruna.

- 2012 - 1349, Arcturus, Autopsy, Anaal Nathrakh, Borknagar.

- 2013 - Hate, Satyricon, Solefald, In Vain, Behexem, Cor Scorpii, Vulture Industries, Carach Angren.

- 2014 - Dimmu Borgir, MGLA, Necros Christos, Mystifier, Posthum, Rotting Christ, Church of Misery, Oranssi Pazuzu.

And now to wait for next year! it will be Inferno's 15th Anniversary so you know it's going to be amazing! & i'll be there headbanging along \m/

Inferno 2014

.And a quick mention & thanks to Inferno that i discovered bands that  are now in my top lists, such as; Kampfar, Taake, Wardruna, Vreid, Finntroll, Swallow the Sun & Mistur, Hate to name a few.

You can see more of my photos from Inferno HERE

2013 - A Reflection.

I feel like I've lived multiple lives this year, Like i look back and i cant believe it was only in Feb that i was in Dublin with friends for Redemption fest.
Or in May i was sharing a bed with one of the most amazing people i have ever met.
Or in July i lost one of my closest friends who i thought would never walk out on me...And i lost said amazing man...and my laptop died taking all my writings with it. Not a good month.
Or in September i was about to kill myself while in Stockholm.

The year started with stress as my work went into administration and i had to move house. Next year is looking like a repeat as i have to again move house [this time being worse as all my house mates have already found other places and I'm searching on my own]. And my company is shutting more stores next year....
This year has just been so up and down, I've generally pretty much felt down this entire year, I've never suffered this constant crushing feeling for such a long period of time!
I've drifted away from a lot of friends i use to consider close, and I've made some new awesome ones.
I guess i experienced my 'first love & first heartbreak' yet it didn't inspire me at all to write, which was more salt to a wound then anything else!
My plans for Uni again seem unattainable thanks to my financial/living situation - But i am determine to at least do online courses.



But i'm trying to focus on the positives
- Primordial & Mael Mórdha in Dublin!
- Seeing PAIN in Cardiff in, His best gig, one of my fave gigs of all time.
- Inferno Festival in Oslo. I always enjoy, and this year had some killer sets from Satyricon, Taake, Hate, Behexen to name a few.
- Finntroll in Berlin [best i've seen them yet] juts being in Berlin! i have fallen in love with that city!
- Aesthetic Perfection in London. It was a very over due dance i really needed!
- Hypocrisy in Riga. and managing to get the setlist!
- Leprous & Vulture Industries in Stockholm

-  Arctic Monkeys album A.M. I never liked their older stuff but have fallen in love with this one!
- Gorecki's Symphony No.3 I only discovered it this year. never has a piece of music hit me so much! It makes a depressed mood feel beautiful! saved me from the abyss more times this year then i'd like to admit.
- Leucosis Self titled, i only discoverd this the start of December and loved it first listen! Just the kind of music i'd been searching for!
Noteable mentions; Wardruna [They can't do wrong]. Finntroll. Carcass [Was never really a fan before but have been won over] Satyricon [I'm bias i love everything they do] Hypocrisy [Again i'm bias, but another top album form them]

- The Vikings  TV series, maybe because i'm Viking obsessed? but i thought i was brilliant!
- The Hobbit I only saw the first one this year, and althougb i prefer LOTRs I loved the Hobbit and can not wait to see the next! and third!!

- Ken Follett. I only discovered his books this year. and have fallen in love. He captures the human soul so beautifully! He is in a league of his own!
- Jo Nesbo. Maybe because i am obsessed with Norway? But his stories are extremely engrossing and his perception of humans is so similar to mine!

This was the first year [since turning 18] That i havnt gotten a new tattoo... but i guess i did visit 6 other countries and see Peter Tägtgren 4 times on stage and Satyricon twice!

Unless i can change my mentality, i honestly dont know how i am going to get through next year.
But i'm setting myself goals., the usual i guess - Be more healthy, do more exercise. Do online courses, Get more focused on learning Norwegian. Focus my creativity so i can try and turn it into tangiable sentences.
Learn to Meditate so i can try and control stress and negativity.
I need to accept my life is not going to go down the path i want it to and i need to find a new path.

I want a positive year... so on that note i will not be starting 2014 until February! when i've moved into a new house [when i find a new house]  lol.
NYE PARTY AT THE UNICORN! LIVE METAL! NO BETTER WAY TO JOIN THE PASSING OF ONE YEAR TO THE NEXT!!

I'm Going To Cease To Exist One Day

And i just cant accept it.
I can comprehend it, this is my only life, I'm not going to just die and then look back on this, this is not a dream or some stage show, this is what it is... and then it's going to be no more... i am going to end.
i can even explain whats swirling in my head, but the mere thought brings me to tears, its a physically painful realisation. I don't understand how the world does not freak out over this! [though to be fair i don't exactly publicly freak out...]
its just....
Maybe that's why I'm so discontent with my life, my only life, I'm not really doing anything with it... but if i was, would i be happy? if i was able to follow my dreams would i be happy? i would still become nothing in the end, if I'm lucky to become remembered does it matter? i wont exist i wont know about my left legacy because I WILL NOT EXIST! i cant get the thought out of my head, no matter how i turn it i cant accept it, i cant grasp it, and yet i know it... it's horrible.
Sometimes i wish i was religious and believed in a god and afterlife just for my conscious' sake i could die in ignorance thinking i would wake up someone else after... but deep down i know i wont, and it drives me insane, oh how i hate it... hate this
I dont know what to do, i cant deal with this...
recently i came across a quote, it was quite long, but one sentence in it;
“…And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it.” —  John Green, The Fault in Our Stars 
Ignore it, i try, i wake up the next morning and I've forgotten i get on with my pathetic life, but now and again the thought, it hits me, its like a blow to the stomach takes the wind out of me, if I'm in public no one will know the torment my mind is waging with me... but in private oh how it consumes me, i crumble under the weight of such simple logic.
I really don't know what to do, i guess if i start pursuing my dreams it'll ease the tension.
i feel i need to find the 'meaning of life' but I'm scared I'll be plagued with this my whole life, that if I'm lucky to make it to a deathbed I'll then, finally realise and embrace this... can anyone really embrace ending, not dying... it's ending!
What if I'm struck down tomorrow? then it's all over... at least i wont be plagued by this?
I know, generally speaking i am usually depressed, i hate my life, its a battle with myself each day to get out of bed and face this horrid reality, but i don't hate life, i love life with such a force that i never want it to end...i cant comprehend not living [well really, cant anyone?]
I'm circling, I'm rambling, and it's getting no where, it's helping nothing.
Nothing... always nothing...

LIFE IN A DAY - FOREVER IN A MEMORY

 

~ Me: 24/07/10 ~

LIFE IN A DAY: Documentary filmed by everyday people from around the world and put together by Ridley Scott & Tony Scott - in itself it sounds like such a beautiful idea, one that grabbed my attention - so i picked up the dvd to have a closer look....


24th JULY 2010 of all the dates in all of life they picked that date for people to film!! To most this is just an ordinary Saturday! i met most people cant even remember what they did on this day! 
But to me - this day means a lot more, its a day ill never forget [well weekend, i always matched it with the 25th as hours blur into one]

My tattoo Samael i got done 25th July 2011 [24th was a sunday so place was closed]...i choose that date as a 'one year from' immortalising it for myself...

Why is this day so special to me? [yes i'm in a typing mood]
A quick back story so you can understand the emotions of the time...
I moved to Bristol, UK April 2010, i found out that one of my facourite bands ever [Sybreed] where playing in london June 18th - i had never been to london! This was the perfect oppurtunity!
I didnt get to see much of London that day [i arrived late] but the gig was amazing! at the gig i met three amazing people! [who are still dear to me today] they dragged me to a club after called Slimelight...i had never been to a club like that before, it was lovely! it was the night life i had been craving for!!
there i met a very attractive guy - we hit it off, danced, kissed....
i left, i didnt get his contact details, but i decided i was moving to london!!

Thanks to the beauty of the internet, a few days later this boy found me on FB - we talked heaps! our minds where in sync, and physically speaking gorgeous [not love, but i was definitely in lust with him] i decided id go back to London the weekend of 24th of July - to meet up with the people i met at the gig, go clubbing again - and meet up with this boy!
those next few weeks went by so slowly! i was so excited to go back to london!

 ~ At the Fox, before going to Slimes
24/07/10~

JULY 24TH 2010!
I went around London a little, saw Camden Market for the first time! Went to The Fox for pre-drinks [where i met another of their friends -  who is also now one of my closest friends] also met a lovely girl [in the toilets as you do] who is also one of the 'besties' though i dont see her too much =/
and of course, when we got to slimes i met up with this boy again! [his eyes my gosh!]
I'm not going to go into all the details - but i did leave with him [i was a virgin]
I know no one has a perfect 'first time' and im no exclusion, i had never even given or recieved oral before! it wasnt pretty, it wasnt magical, i had no idea really what the hell i was doing, and yes it bloody hurt!
i wasn't dating him! actually turned out he didnt feel the same way as me  [yeah i had developed a bit of a crush on him] it was just a bit of fun, which is fair enough, sure at the time it crushed me! but i dont regret it, i felt ready, i do believe losing your virginity is a big thing - but that doesnt mean you have to love the person or be in a relationship with them, its not about them in my eyes -  its about you!

i moved to London [offically] 23td August 2012 - been here ever since, i love it [all the experiences, good and bad!], i still see all the people i had met with that day! that club is like a second home for me now - actually 90% of my friends in London i have actually met there!

As you can see, it wasnt any old weekend for me...and i am speechless that the was the date chosen for this film, i had to watch this film [really beautiful, so natural] but it did bring tears to me eys, good tears? i'm not sure, people day "When the first drops of tears comes from the RIGHT EYE, it's HAPPINESS.
But when the first roll is from the LEFT EYE, it's PAIN." it was my left eye...

mid year reflections..

i know its been a long time since I've posted anything i have been meaning to do more [and believe me i have so many drafts here] but times gotten away from me, and we all know my laptop drives me insane, but today is a blogging day! and as we head into the second half of this year i thought it would be good to reflect on the last 6months and the next 6months to come [trying to learn to get my motivation back] ok - my doomsday list - how much has actually been achieved...  

1) Become a Queen - well i am one arnt i? in my mind lol, i think proper royalty would drive me insane! 
2) Step foot on every country in Europe - working progress, I'm going to the Czech Republic in August which will be my first time on mainland Europe, and shall hopefully be going to Germany in November!
3) Go To Inferno Metal Festival 2012..and 13...14...ect went to 2012, was weird being back in Oslo, when i think last time i was there i had the whole world at my feet, going back i felt a little bit like a failure, but I've accepted things didn't work out how i dreamed, and that i would, if given the choice, do it all over again the same... was an amazing week as always though!  
4) After Bruce get no more ink until next winter...unless overseas i got a tattoo in Oslo, but apart from that I've been good! [slowly saving up] so many i want, but i will wait!! to at least October hehe  
5) Save Money! - 1K by end of year can honestly save this will NOT happen! i wish i could, but i cant, i think I'm actually getting worse with my money sadly...
6) learn to speak and write Norwegian i tried those CDs n all i can say is 'no', 'yes' and 'thanks' i still have faith I'll be able to say a sentence at least before I'm back in Norway again...  
7) study - adult courses or online nope =/ i say i miss studying and i want to study but i don't seem to really do anything about it - but next September i can at least go to uni! if i get in...  
8) start morning jogging...get fit n healthy...include eat healthier! oh like this was ever going to happen!!! i cant afford a gym, tho i want to do Thai boxing, i do feel healthier tho, n i think I've actually lost weight! if only an inch
9) finish my book by end of year or turn it into a sellable film script haven't touched them! i know its sad, its all in my mind but i just cant seem to get to writing/typing them out  
10) maintain my blogs...launch blog 3 well tumblr is going good as usual, lol, this one i WILL be better with n i am going to get a wordpress for all my creative writings!  
11) Get a new job nope, but my job is getting better! the two people i hated left a couple months ago - sad thing is now some of my faves are leaving
12) visit more museums/galleries i haven't had the time sadly, but i plan too  
13) Go to infest yeah not happening, this doesn't bother me though  
14) give up drinking - save for NYE i lasted 20 days =( though i have given up again [as of mid April] i know i ALWAYS say this, but i honestly think i can do it this time
 15) attend at least one gig a month nope =/ id like to, but haven't the money, and i work the wrong hours for it - recently I've had a few gigs though, and more coming up!  
16) get Scarification by 3rd 20ths b'day that's next year! i still want it - but i don't think ill get it, i think i want it more for the pain side, and well it wont look good - so I'm getting inked instead and ill find other ways for my pain outlet ;)  
17) get a PhD well it ain't gonna happen over night! if i get into uni next year - watch out world!  
18) finish legally changing my name really gotta get onto this =/  
19) move into a sharehouse YES!! as of April 29th! its going really well, i sadly don't seem them much [i don't work social hours] but I'm enjoying it, I'm glad i chose to live with friends, and especially ones that have kitty cats!  
20) work at a museums haven't even looked into it
21) lecture at a University give me a couple more years...  
22) go to a westend play...and a theatrical stage play like Shakespeare when summer hits? hopefully  
23) contribute something to the world that won't be forgotten...a legacy working progress - ask em when I'm dead...  
24) Visit both the North and South Pole it'll happen - again give ma a couple of years  
25) go to a camping music festival BRUTAL ASSAULT 2012!! Czech Republic, I'm so excited, the line up looks awesome, n its super cheap, i had! and i am! I'm so excited for August, but super scared! i should survive though....  
26) get a bookcase to organise my mini library all my books are on a pile on the floor =/  
27) get my left nostril pierced n man up and get my tongue pierced haven't the cash, I'm hoping tongue next time I'm on holidays, we shall see... nostril when i got the cash  
28) Save for a better laptop nope, ipod got stolen so that's my priority ATM  
29) learn to ski or snowboard haven't had the chance yet, but it will happen! i think id make a well cute snow bunny  
30) get over the past (especially the failings) yeah, though sometimes i do slip into a spiral of self loathing when something triggers a past memory, but don't we all at times?  
31) learn to drive again don't have the money, but its still a goal  
32) Live in Norway one day -sighs-  
33) Walk among the Cherry Blossoms in Japan 2014?  
34) Visit North Korea 2015...?  
35) Buy a Digital SLR nope, but my [biological] mum is visiting in Oct and giving me her old cam, which is fancy, no DSLR but close...  
36) See the Northern Lights I'm really hoping for next year on this one

So my conclusion, most of my goals wont happen over night, but at least i have something to work for - I'm the kind of person that wants meaning to my life, whether i follow that meaning or not! The major thing i want for the rest of the year [apart from the usual, have more money and be healthier] is to finally see sex as a positive! its a slow thing, and I'm not sure if it\'ll happen, but i have to try, or to at least explore what my real issue with it is...there will be a blog to explain it more coming soon... and now act two of 2012 begins...